The Journey to Baby Borne #3

 It's been quite the journey since Oliver came into this world, a little over three years ago! I'm sure a lot of y'all are wondering how this is even possible after that eventful delivery. I'd like to share my journey with you all on how this beautiful blessing came about. 

After Oliver was born, I was told by the doctor that delivered him that I cannot have anymore children. It was a very difficult time in my life. I was devastated, confused, numb, angry, broken, and just about any other emotion you could possibly think of. Life was a chaotic rollercoaster at the time as well. 

In my post-op appointment, I spoke with my OB (my actual doctor) and she told me that she disagreed. She felt like I COULD have more children, but I needed to wait at least two to three years, and we would revisit the topic. At the time, I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to have anymore. I was lucky to be alive and traumatized by the whole experience. I put it on the backburner and just tried to move on with my life. 

Last spring, my husband and I were watching General Conference (an LDS [Latter-Day-Saint] bi-annual event where church leaders share messages of the Gospel of Jesus Christ) and we both, without saying it initially to the other, felt prompted to think about having another baby. This thought TERRIFIED me. I was anxious and resistant when I felt this prompting. Kyle told me that he would be fine either way, but ultimately left the decision up to me. I wrestled with this thought for the next 6 months, going back and forth of wanting a baby, of not wanting another one, ultimately gripped with fear of the same thing happening, except not being so lucky, and leaving my children behind without a mother. 

At the same time, I had this feeling that another baby was waiting for me to make this decision, as crazy as it sounds. I felt like someone was telling me "Don't forget about me". It was a very strong feeling that I couldn't shake for the following 6 months, ever since I felt that prompting, but fear continued to overpower it. 

Until one day, I received the advice I desperately needed to hear. 

I decided to bring up this topic with my therapist at the time. She was surprised that I hadn't divulged this story to her yet. I told her everything, from start to finish, and how I was currently feeling conflicted and unsure. She then told me. "Whatever decision you make, make sure it's not made out of fear." That resonated with me in a way that's difficult to describe. It's what I needed to hear in that moment. 

I continued to work through that fear for several months. Praying, talking about it and working through it instead of hiding from it. In October of last year, I felt this indescribable feeling that I was ready to take this next step and try for another baby. For the first time since Oliver was born, I no longer felt this crippling fear. I attacked it head on, and with the help of a wonderful therapist, doctors, and the Lord, this beautiful prompting we felt last year has came to fruition. 

At the beginning of the year, I met with a few doctors, got professional opinions and consultations, and got the green light to try for baby #3. This will be an intense pregnancy, making sure that nothing like what happened with Oliver, happens again, but I have a great team of amazing doctors and nurses with me every step of the way. 

When we started trying for children 8 years ago, I never would have imagined that this is what the journey would look like. Infertility struggles, to 2 under 2, to a near death experience, to a beautiful healing journey to baby #3. We're so excited to welcome this baby into our family. Thank you all for supporting me through this entire journey. I'm excited to see what life with 3 wonderful blessing will look like. 

~Katie B. 

A New Chapter

It's been a while since I have updated the world on life, perspective, and general things going on. Writing (or technically typing) has always been cathartic for me, so I really need to do this more often. 

I woke up at 2 a.m. this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. This isn't unusual for me when I have a lot on my mind, but unfortunately, the price comes heavy when you're a Mom of two toddlers that wait for no one. So I will definitely pay for this later. 

I can't help but reflect on my life when big events happen. I tend to ponder on how I got here and why certain things are happening/have happened, for better or for worse. In this particular case, its for the better. 

I just accepted what I like to call "a big girl job" and I am terrified. I remember when I took my Technical Writing class a few years ago and discovered the world and profession of Technical Writing. Most of my classmates absolutely hated it. They hated writing and all the structure that was required, but I fell madly in love. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy programming and creating new applications, revel in the feeling of ecstasy when my program compiles with no errors. But I also enjoy writing, which can be a rarity in the field of computer software. After I completed that class, I knew that was going to be the field I pursued. 

Another advantage to this job is that it is remote. I am able to work from home, work asynchronously with my fellow co-workers (other than meetings that I have to virtually attend), but have flexible work hours so I can balance motherhood as well. 

This all sound good and dandy, but in reality, I know it will be difficult. It will be a huge adjustment to balance motherhood, and making sure my children have everything they need, (not just physically, but emotionally) and not affect their lives in any drastic way. They are still my number 1 priority and always will be. 

I'm worried I'll fail. I'm worried I won't be good enough, that I don't know enough. But I know I have to take this terrifying step into a world that I have yet to fully discover and master in order to succeed.

I couldn't help but tear up when the offer came in yesterday morning. This whole journey flashed before my eyes. Starting out the Pathway Program through my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) in order to pursue BYU-Idaho online, going every week, unsure if I had made the right decision. I had already gotten my associates, but I knew that I wasn't finished, but needed something flexible, because life was so unknown and unstable at that time. When I saw the degree choices, Software Engineering stood out to me, but also was incredibly intimidating. I knew nothing about coding or software programming. I was pretty well equipped with general computer knowledge and enjoyed technology, but in my mind, those are starkly different. Kyle encouraged me to pursue this degree, and I can't thank him enough for seeing something in me that I didn't know existed. I married a good one. 

I think about the time I dropped my first coding class because I was incredibly overwhelmed with the classes I was taking. So I had decided to take the class on it's own the following semester, and that made all the difference. 

I learned a lot about myself through this journey. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to, but at a pace that I could succeed at. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true for anyone. The key to success is knowing how you learn. Knowing what works best for you, knowing your limits, your weaknesses and strengths. Some people can handle a heavy course load and just turn and burn. For this particular subject, that wasn't the case for me. I took the whole "slow and steady wins the race" option.

I reflect on the girl who married her love at the young age of 18, dreaming of the very future I am living. It has continually hit me this year that I am living the life I prayed for, the life Kyle and I constantly dreamed about when we were engaged and newly married. Life has been difficult until the last few years or so, living in what seemed to be constant chaos. Ironically, 2020 is when our life really slowed down and we were able to live and not just survive. 

We endured a lot of obstacles in the first 8 years of our marriage, some by choice, and others by happenstance. But we held on. We held on to our dreams and just kept our nose down and continued to trudge on. Not easily, but we did it. It's far from over, there are still goals that are in the works, but right now, it sure is a nice view to look back and see how far we have come. 

I don't know how this job is going to go. Anything could happen, but I know that I will include the Lord every minute of every day throughout this journey, because He has been a huge part of it already. 

I want to tell the story of how this job came about: 

I applied for this job a few weeks back, and heard from a staffing firm about a week or so after applying. A Technical Recruiter reached out to me, and asked to speak with me for an initial phone interview about the job. It's important to add, that I have already spoken to 3 or 4 other recruiters about various jobs, and if the employer wants you, they're (the recruiter) your best friend, if they don't, they ghost you. That's just how it is. So I didn't expect much from this phone call to be honest. 

He calls me at 11:30am on a Thursday and he goes into his spiel. As he is talking, he also adds in tips to help my resume for potential technical writer jobs and telling me what staffers and hiring managers specifically look for, going above and beyond his duty. As the conversation continues, I am impressed with how much he is willing to help me, not just with this job, but in general. I thank him up and down for his kindness and professionalism. Towards the end of the conversation, he makes a comment that his daughter currently attends BYU-Idaho. We then talked about the university for a bit and how much he loves the graduates from there, and is never disappointed in any product coming from it. 

I knew instantly that the Lord put him and this job in my life for a reason, and that His hand is ever so clearly present. 

If anything I have learned throughout my journey to now, is to stay close to the Lord, work really hard, even if you don't think it is going anywhere. Also, marry someone that will push you to be your best self and stick it out through the really tough times, so when you reach high points, it's all the more sweeter. A sweetness you can bask in together.

I don't know what this journey will consist of, but I am excited for the ride. Stay tuned!

The seeds of your labor will bear the fruits of your success

 2021 is shaping to be a very good year for the Borne family. 

As I am coming up on my last 6 weeks in my software engineering program, I wanted to reflect on my journey to obtain this degree, and all that I had to endure to accomplish this goal. 

I started my college journey at Tarrant County College in the fall of 2010. I had saved up a good amount of money to cover my tuition for probably a few years, but I was yearning to go to a 4 year university. After my first semester at TCC, I found out that I was accepted into the University of North Texas, and registered to go there in the spring of 2011. Kyle and I got married on January 8th, 2011, right before the semester was to start. We travelled to Utah for our honeymoon, and came back a few days before the semester was to start. I was very excited for this new chapter in my life: A newly married woman with life at her fingertips. 

I did well in my classes and met new friends that I'm still in touch with today. My major was Child Development. I worked for an afterschool program at the time, and it seemed like a good fit. As newlyweds, life had its challenges. Balancing full time school and work while also adjusting to married life, while also having to overcome other challenges, we felt that it was difficult to thrive as a new family in our current situation, and felt that changes needed to be made. We made the decision to move to Utah at the end of the semester. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time, but it felt like the right decision. As we packed up our tiny apartment and everything I knew, we headed west to start the next chapter of our lives. 

We ended up moving several more times (a story that really isn't worth diving into for this particular post) and settled back in Utah again. 

The next phase of my college journey began at Utah Valley University. I was enrolled in the Gaming and Animation Program there. I loved every minute of it and felt like I finally found my niche. In Utah, Kyle and I grew so much as a couple and were able to establish our own life for ourselves. We were in a wonderful married student ward with a wonderful bishop and made some life long friends. We also learned a lot about the LDS culture in Utah, something that we were both unfamiliar with. Being LDS outside of Utah versus living in Utah are two very different experiences. We grew and learned so much there, for better and for worse. I owe those two years to building a solid foundation for my marriage, and I learned so much about myself, and who I wanted to be. We got to know each other as husband and wife without any interruptions, and that helped pave the way for the marriage we have today. Kyle graduated with his Bachelors in Communication Studies with an emphasis in Public Relations, and I graduated with my Associates Degree with an emphasis of Gaming and Animation. 

We decided to move back to Texas in May of 2014. We missed our families and missed our home state. Kyle got a job in Houston with Avis Budget Group at IAH Airport. I knew I needed to finish my degree, but just wasn't sure how to do that. I went back and forth on enrolling in the University of Houston, but something just didn't feel right to me. I didn't want to go into any more debt, and I also had a feeling that we weren't going to stay there long enough for me to finish. 

Kyle told me about the church's new pathway program to do BYU-Idaho online. I looked into it, and saw the degree options, and I knew that the Software Engineering program was the one for me. The church makes you take a year of classes to prepare you for the program, and honestly I had to take a slice of humble pie while taking these courses. The courses were designed for people that were new to college or for people that hadn't gone in a long time, and I didn't fit either criteria. I knew though, that this was something I needed to do and just bear through it to get to the place I needed to be. I grew so much in those two semesters, and learning from others around me. The missionaries in charge of the program were amazing people that have affected me to this day. I'm grateful for their service to the program and grateful for their presence in my life at that time. After a year of taking these courses, I graduated the program, and was able to start the software engineering program. As soon as I finished the pathway program, we found out that we were leaving the Houston area, and moving to Graham, Texas. 

I started the software engineering program in January of 2016. Life was good. We were living in a great town, loved our church ward, loved our experiences of travelling together for Kyle's job covering Graham sports. Starting this program was a nice dose of reality, though. It was really hard and rigorous. Most people in the program had experience programming to some degree, I had none. There was a huge learning curve for me, and I doubted myself 1,000 times, over and over again. 

After the first two semesters, Kyle and I went on vacation to Washington D.C. We had a lot of fun exploring that part of the country, new for both of us. The very last day there, we received a phone call from Kyle's Mom stating that his Dad had a stroke. We didn't know any details, but we assumed that everything would be ok, as this wasn't the first time receiving this news. 

When we got back, we learned the severity of his Dad's condition, being much worse than we could have imagined. We were driving an hour and a half each way, twice a week (sometimes more) from Graham to help take care of him and get him the help that he needed. Kyle is an only child, so we were all they had. In the middle of all of this, I started a new semester with a full class load. I felt like I could balance it all. After about a month of going back and forth between Graham and Fort Worth, Kyle and I came to the conclusion that we needed to move closer to home to help with this situation. A week later, he got the Sports Editor job at the Weatherford Democrat. 

We moved from Graham in August of 2016, into Kyle's parent's house to aid their current situation. We took him to rehab 5 days a week, I helped him get dressed and made sure he was ready to go for his rehabilitation. Kyle helped too, while balancing work. His Dad couldn't walk, and it was looking like that would be the case permanently. We were his caretakers, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It started to wear on us, to where my school and mental health was suffering, and I ended up dropping my classes that semester and the following one because I just couldn't balance it all. It was a very hard year for us, and I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life. 

After a series of multiple failed attempts of trying to get him into a nursing home, and trying to understand the process in our early twenties, school started to become difficult to balance while life was chaotic and hard to endure. I withdrew that semester. I felt low and hopeless. It was one of the lowest points I have been in, in my entire life. In August of 2017, a full year of  this hardship, I found out that I was finally pregnant after 4 years of trying. That moment gave me the endurance to push out of this situation, and get life back on track after such a hard year. We finally got him in a nursing home where he will be taken care of,  (after going round and round with inept nursing home staff, Medicaid staff, and eventually suing the state, another story for another time) Kyle switched careers from journalism to education, and we got our own place in February of 2018, and school was back on track. 

Motherhood gave me an indescribable strength I never knew I had. Although balancing school and motherhood was challenging, I pushed forward, one class at a time, making sure that I could balance the demands of motherhood and the demands of the classes I was taking. It's difficult, but doable.

While I was pregnant with Oliver, we found out we had to move again, less than a year after we moved in, due to circumstances that were outside of our control. All within a month, I gave birth to Oliver, finished my semester, and moved. 2019 was another very difficult year. 

Fast forward to today, June 2021. I look back on all those circumstances, and I see the Lords hand in all of it. I always knew it was something I had to complete. I wanted options, a way to support my family if circumstances were suddenly changed. But most importantly, I needed to do this for me. 

Through my own experiences, I can teach my kids how to endure. I can teach them resiliency, and to stay close to the Lord all throughout life. I can teach them that no matter what happens in life, that you are responsible for making things happen for yourself, that you can't expect others to do it for you. 

I couldn't have done this without the foundation my parents set for me, drilling it into all of our heads that education is important, and that we could do whatever we set our minds to. I had amazing examples of resiliency in my parents, and I am forever indebted to them. 

I also couldn't have done this without my husbands support and reassurance that I could do this. There have been many times, too many to count, where I was in tears believing that I can't. His love and support was everything to me, and I couldn't have done it without him. 

My babies were my final push to get this done. I want to show them that with hard work, dedication, sacrifice, you can truly do anything.

~Katie B. 

My Struggles & Triumphs of 2019

At the beginning of every year, like most people, Kyle and I sit down and write individual and family goals for the year. I had high hopes for this year and wanted to push myself to a new limit. Well, as life tends to be, this year has been quite challenging. 

Here are some goals from my list:

• Write in my journal daily
• Write out a daily list of desired accomplishments
• Finish the Book of Mormon
• Read more (and also read more diversely)
• Enroll in Fall Semester ( I had taken a break after having Lucy)
• Lose baby weight and have a healthier lifestyle

I wanted to really focus on myself this year. I felt like my spirit had suffered from the unusal trails we had gone through, especially the last 2 and a half years at the time. I haven't read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover since I was in high school, and even then, I did it mostly out of obligations through seminary and Sunday school. I know I believed it to be true, but did I really? Did I have an immovable and unshakable foundation in The Book of Mormon? It was time to put my faith to the fire and make a commitment to myself and God that I would read my scriptures every single night. 

My faith had suffered immensely. I had a difficult time wanting to go to church, wanting to pray, and wanting to read my scriptures. I was angry at the hand that I was dealt. I felt like what I was dealing with is something no one in their twenties should have to deal with. I was angry at the people around me that I allowed to drag me down to their level. A level of hopelessness and bitterness. I was angry at a friend who Kyle and I tried to help, as he turned around and took advantage of that help instead of using it to help himself out of his situation. I didn't realize it at the time, but my spirit was waning, it was hurting and bleeding and desperately needed to be nourished. 

Right after I made this list, we found out that the house we were living in, we had to move. I was devastated. It hit me harder than I care to admit. I have always been a problem solver. I have always been known to trudge through and make it work, no matter what. I felt like I haven't been that person in a long time. I let the weight of the last 3 years of everything that has happened bury me. 

Kyle and I tried to figure out what to do for months, and nothing seemed right. We were being severly underpaid due to his current employer at the time not wanting to acknowledge his probationary certificate for teaching, and we were rubbing pennies togehther as a result. We decided that we could live with the paycut and work on his 5 year certificate in the mean time, and going into the next school year, get a pay raise as a result. A few months after we made that decision, we found out we would have to move. We were very limited in options financially, since we went with Advantage Academy back in August, and I was 7 months pregnant with Oliver. 

As that was going on, things were very stressful at work for Kyle, and also we were dealing with his parents and nursing homes, and Kyle's Dad getting kicked out what seemed like every few months due to a failure of not qualifying for Mediciad because of an apparent error in the application. Since Kyle is an only child, it was all on us. I won't go into the nitty gritty details, but I will summarize it as pure hell. 

Then comes the end of March, when my beautiful handsome Oliver was born. It was an exepreience that I am still working through. I go between being so grateful that both he and I are safe and healthy, from that fact that I almost died, and he almost died, to being told I can't have any more children. It was the most traumatic expereience I have ever gone through. I know I am immensly blessed, and I hold to that when I can. Other times, my mind drifts to that horrific night, and what happened and what cannot be undone. 

After I returned home from the hospital, I had about 3 and a half weeks to pack and up and find a place to go. It was a month earlier than we had anticipated. It was very difficult trying to heal from a very painful c-section, caring for a newborn and a 1 year old, and packing and STILL not really knowing what to do and where to go. In fact, I was put on 8 weeks rest instead of the usual 6 weeks due to continued bleeding. 

All while going through this, I'm reading my scriptures everynight (or darn near). I was bound and deteremined for me to at least accomplish this!

During General Conference Weekend ( twice a year, the LDS church holds a General Conference where members and anyone from around the world can listen on talks about the Savior and His Gospel teachings), Kyle had a prompting about what to do with our current situation. His Mother has always wanted to live in Missouri again where she is from, but never had the oppurutinity. With Gary being in a Nursing Home, and the nightmare that has been ongoing with all that, in a matter of two weeks, Kyle obtained POA for his Dad, found anpacked up for his Mom, drove the moving truck and (with the help of amazing church members we didn't even know!) moved his Mom to Missouri, got a new Medicaid application going, moved us into his childhood home for us to take over, and get His Dad approved for Medicaid so he has the best care he can recieve.

None of that would have been possible without the Lords help. 

I want to end this post on my own revelations and thoughts after finishing the Book of Mormon. 

I learned that the reason why I am feeling like I can't perservere is because I'm not letting the Savior into my heart to help me share those burdens. We can only take so much in this life. Life is very difficult, even when we try our best to make the best choices and avoid mistakes. It is so easy for life to get in the way of everything, such as our marriages and other realtionships, and especially our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. We can't allow those things to get inbetween these sacred relationships. 

I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel in doing so. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, I know that it testifies of our loving Savior Jesus Christ and the love we need to share with all those we come across. Even if you are not of my faith, but are a believer in Christ, you too can benefit from its pages. You can benefit from the love and devotion it teaches of the Savior and our loving and merciful Heavenly Father.

I have knocked several items off my list. I have read about 6 different books this year, I finished the Book of Mormon, I've been starting my exercising again, I write a daily list of what I want to get done each day, I write in my journal often, I enrolled in the fall semester and am doing well so far. 

This year has been tough for a lot of people I know and care for. My advice is to hold on to the love of our Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Through Him, anything and everything is possible. 

Love to all,

Katie B

A 10 day social media diet, and a search for answers.

I can't believe it's already March of 2019. Where did the time go? Lucy will be one at the end of this month. When people say that they grow up fast, they really do. This year has flown by. She has taught me so much about myself. She's helped me discover new strengths that I never knew I had, and weaknesses that I know that I need to work on. Being a Mother is the best and most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But it's a divine calling that I know God has called me to do, and I take that with honor and take it all one day at a time. 

I wanted to share an experience I recently encountered. Back in October of 2018, the Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Russel M. Nelson, challenged the women of the church during the General Women's Conference to do four things:

1. Participate in a 10-day fast from social media and any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind.

2. Read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2018

3. Establish a pattern of regular temple attendance

4. Participate fully in Relief Society

I shamefully admit that I didn't engage in any of these challenges that President Nelson asked of us. It wasn't until February, while reading the February Ensign, where a summary from his talk came up that I revisited this challenge. 

This year has already thrown it's curve balls at us. I won't go into it, but it's been heavily weighing on my mind, and has put me in and out of pretty bad funks. I feel lost and clueless as for what's best for our growing family. With Oliver coming the beginning of April, things need to be figured out quick, and fast. I also feel like I needed some reorganizing in priorities in my life (other than being a Mother, which is always my first priority). I wanted to be more spiritually centered. I wanted that constant companionship of the Holy Ghost that I desperately need right now. So, I decided to do a "social media fast" for 10 days. 

Day 1 was hard. Really hard. You don't realize how much you get on and how bad the habits are unless you consciously try to abstain from it. Instead of checking Facebook when I had some down time, I would get on the LDS Gospel Library app. I also am trying to finish the Book of Mormon before the summer, as a part of President Nelsons challenge. I was able to focus on the things that I was struggling with, and trying to seek spiritual answers and promptings. 

I didn't go the full ten days. I made it to 8. (The Kelly Clarkson concert broke my social media "diet"). But I learned a lot in those 8 days.

I learned that social media is such a good thing when used appropriately. Kyle and I tag each other in news articles, posts, and so on. I love seeing what my friends are up to and the amazing things going on in their lives. 

I learned that I can get on way too much, and I can benefit from not having my phone on me, 24/7. 

I learned that I really enjoy reading the church Ensign, and I always feel a sense of peace when I read the articles that are written.

I learned that I need to post more about my faith. I don't do that enough. I need to use it as a tool to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ for those that are willing to hear it. 

I've gained a habit of reading my scriptures every day, something that I did not do before. I know I need to establish these habits now, so I can set a good example for my children when they are old enough.

I learned that I need to rely on God to help me with my struggles. That is something that I don't do enough. I feel as though I need to solve the problems that come my way, and not use Him for guidance. That is not the way to be. I need to go to Him with everything and submit my will to the Lord, for He knows what is best for my family.

I am still searching for the path forward in the next coming months, but I do know that changes are on the horizon. Becoming a Mom has changed the way I think. I know I'm going to make mistakes, that's inevitable. But I want to try and minimize those mistakes as much as possible, and include the Lord in all my decision making, both big and small, so I make the right choices for my children. They are greatly effected by any and all decisions Kyle and I make, so, like my Father always says, "measure twice, cut once". 

I'm going to continue to work on letting the Lord in and submitting myself to His will. It's a process. My goal is to be a little bit better than I was the day before. I will continue to re-prioritize my life, make the Spirit my constant companion, and search what His will is for our family in the next few months. 

I hope this post finds everyone well. 

Happy Sabbath. 

With Love, 

Katie B.

Leave People Be: A New Moms Perspective

Lately, it seems I have started the last several blog posts with "I know it's been a while...". Well, it really has been a while, since the end of last year. With school, being a new Mom, and everything else going on in my life, it's hard to keep up, but  here I am, nonetheless. 

I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind the last month or so. 

Mom judgement & judgement in general.

In just a few short months of being a new Mom, I have been criticized for some of the silliest things. Here's a few:

I don't take my baby outside often enough

My baby is outside too much (by the same people, mind you)

I'm a bigot with who I allow/don't allow to watch my child

I hold her too much

I don't hold her enough

I'd rather play video games than be a Mother

I'm being a religious Mormon zealot for not letting my daughter around cigarette smoke

The list goes on..

Initially, I let those things bug me. I mean, really bug me, to the point of tears. I just didn't understand why people would purposely go out of their way to think ill of something they really know nothing about. Kyle told me that not everyone thinks the best of others and tend to tear others down just to make themselves feel better. No matter how old I get, I will never understand that. 

I have many many flaws. I'd fill up several blog posts on how many flaws and imperfections that I have. But one of my strengths is compassion. I always try to see how the other person is feeling, no matter the situation, before I make an assumption. Always. Especially the older I have gotten and the more I lived life. I, in my naive mind, assumed most people do the same thing, but it turns out, they don't. 

Why must people judge others so harshly just because "that's not the way I do it"? I don't understand this. Why must others judge because they have a huge support system in their life, who want to be apart of their childrens lives? Just because they didn't have that, no one should? Why must others judge the way people parent, as long as the child is unharmed and thriving? Why can't we just live and let be? 

Most of the people in my life and who I know are this way. They are kind, compassionate, loving, and more than willing to share their own experiences. I'm grateful for all of you who are so understanding and sympathetic towards others, no matter the situation.

We all are guilty of judging someone. I know I definietly am. I would be lying to you if I said I never have done it. I try to catch myself when I do, and ask myself, "If I were them..." or the best gotcha, "What would Christ do?". 

Self reflection is important. In the last two years especially, I have understood why being prideful is truly a sin. It can cause so many downfalls. Like broken marriages, broken friendships/relationships, isolation, etc. When we are prideful, we miss out on oppurutunities to grow and serve others. I have seen that in people throughout my life, and I see the consequences unfolding, even though they do not. It causes me to check my own self, and become humble and meek. 

So, what's the point here? 

My point is, I don't understand why people just cant leave people be. It's ok to not agree. We are all different and have different ways of doing/handling things. That's a no brainer, but people lack understanding. Why is that? I'm not sure, to be honest with you. Maybe those people are consumed in their own hurt and feeling misunderstood so they do the same to others? I honestly don't know. 

As a new Mom, I'm learning as I go. I'm going to school, studying something that for me, is difficult yet worth obtaining, and I'm a wife trying to maintain a marriage. It's alot, but I asked for all of it. I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Try this with me, serve others where you see a need, even if it's just saying hello. Forgive someone who you haven't yet forgiven, or at least start on that path. Try to find middle ground with someone who you adamantly disagree with politically, or in general. Pray for someone who you don't want to pray for. By doing these things, it enhances our ability to understand and be sympathetic to others, which is what I think the world needs right now. I know I need to work on these things daily, that's for sure. 

Back to the beginning of my post. All of those things that I was accused of/attacked for? It doesn't really bother me that much anymore. It does from time to time, and I get very angry, I'll be honest. I have been afriad to post about going on a date night, or playing a video game while Lucy is asleep because of the crap I got. But then, I stop myself. I remind myself that I am giving a few people's opinions way too much power over my own, and that needs to stop. I remind myself of who I am, the things that I do, and the good that I try to do, and it fades away. The more experience I recieve as a Mom, eventually, I'm sure those judgements won't even phase me, but until that day, I'm working on it.

Love you all. 

~Katie B.

Farewell, 2017!

I always like to reflect on the year before I wish it farewell. 2017 had its fair share of ups and downs for Kyle and I, but I can't help but smile as I wave it goodbye and label it as one of the best years of my life. 

2017 has refined me. I feel like I've been put in the fire and molded into the woman God wanted me to be. This is the year I rediscovered how much God loves me and is aware of my struggles. 

The day I found out I was pregnant was a day I'll never forget. I was sitting in church, feeling sorry (and angry) for myself. I was mad at life and what it had dealt Kyle and I. All the things out of our control began to consume me. I was sitting in church, watching all the families play with their kids, and I felt like I didn't belong, like something was wrong with me. Most days I didn't let those kind of things bother me, because if I did, I wouldn't be able to live my life. Every once in a while, those days came and they bogged me down. August 13th was one of those days. I asked Kyle to take me home after sacrament meeting because I just didn't want to be there anymore. I cried to him in the car how hard it was for me to be there, and that I was done with trying and I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle trying and dealing with everything that we were dealing with at the time. I just wanted to wave the white flag.

I was also cramping insanely bad for the last week or so leading up to this, and I thought something might be wrong with me. I thought that there could be a SLIGHT possibility that I was pregnant, but didn't really let my mind go there. (That's a habit formed over 4 years). I told Kyle that it could be a possibility and I asked him to take me to buy a pregnancy test. When we got home, I immediately took the test. I was nervous because I had switched medicines the week before from my fertility medicine to a weight loss medicine that you are not supposed to be one if you're pregnant. I didn't know what was causing all the cramping. I looked at that test, and couldn't believe it was positive. I immediately started shaking and crying, staring in disbelief. Kyle felt the same. That was one of the best moments of my life. 

The first half of this year was incredibly challenging, but that moment wiped it all away, and I can't help but smile. I felt like God abandoned me the first half of this year. I don't remember feeling that low at any point in my life. But looking back on it now, I know God has never abandoned me. If anything, I abandoned Him. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, Kyle passed the Teachers Certification Exam, and after working feverisouly, is now certified and has a new job that can support our growing family. We have a wonderful home waiting for us in January, (Thanks to my Aunt Teresa), where we can build a home for our little Lucy to grow and thrive in. 

The biggest thing that I have learned is not to question the Lord's timing. I have a feeling I'm going to probably learn this lesson over and over again throughout my life, that's why I want to write this down, so I can go back and read through this, and remind myself that God loves me. God cares for me. God is aware of me, and He is aware of you, too. It may not feel like it, but I promise you He does. Why couldn't I get pregnant four years sooner? I don't know. Why didn't we want Kyle to go into teaching from the get go and build from there? I don't know. But I wouldn't take back our experiences along this journey for anything. That is why our marriage is so strong, our love for each other is unbreakable, and I'm so glad that Lucille is joining us, hopefully with many more to come. 

I don't know what 2018 has in store for me, but I know it'll have it's ups and downs, just like any other year, but I can't wait to see what's up ahead. Meeting Lucy will be one of the moments in my life that will be permanently etched in my memory, along with many more. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful year, with great things in store. 

Here's to 2018!

With love, 

Katie B.