The Refiners Fire

Hello all,

I know I always say this, but it truly has been a while. I haven't felt like there's been much to say without going into realm of despair and hopelessness. Sometimes it would consume me so much to the point where I didn't recognize myself. It scared me. 

It'll be a year next July. A whole year. A year of struggle. A year of boundaries being challenged and being pushed to the limit. A year of my faith being put through the refiners fire. And boy, did I get scorched. 

I found out a lot about myself through out this year. I have always had the belief that you can make anything happen as long as you put your mind to it, and put some boots on the ground and get moving. That belief was both proven and challenged all at the same time. We have had a lot of success that we made happen with pure sweat and grit. But we also hit walls that couldn't be overcome just with a belief that it can happen, and that was the hardest pill to swallow for me.

We prayed together, for months. Not knowing what to do and where to go. I felt abandoned by God. I have never felt that way before in my life. Throughout all my trials that I have gone through, I always knew that there was an end, a goal to obtain. And in some way or another, I always felt God's presence. I have never felt that I have been abandoned. For the first time in my life, I didn't know where the end was. All the goals we were trying to obtain felt like they came to a screeching halt. 

Trying to get pregnant seemed impossible. I was on a diet and exercise plan, that was being derailed due to the high level of unhappiness and stress that seemed all encompassing. That was another anchor that was dragging me down into a new level of despair. Another was the home in which we are dwelling. Not having the ability to control the environment was very hard on me. I like peace. I like a home filled with the spirit. I am used to a home that has a sense of calm and peace about it when you walk through the door. I didn't get that, and I couldn't if I tried. And trust me, I tried 

It dragged me down to a level I didn't care too much for. I didn't recognize myself for a while. I didn't like the woman I was allowing myself to become. This wasn't me. I was a happy person. I was full of joy, and optimism that seemed to be crushing and diminishing by the day. It wasn't until General Conference, and feeling as if  a lot of the talks were for me to hear, which I have never truly experienced before, when I was starting to pull myself out of it. 

One of the talks especially hit me really hard. It was Elder Ballard's talk, Return and Receive that allowed my husband and I reconnect on what we need to do to get back on the track we know we need to be on.

"Goal setting is essentially beginning with the end in mind. And planning is devising a way to get to that end. A key to happiness lies in understanding what destinations truly matter—and then spending our time, effort, and attention on the things that constitute a sure way to arrive there"

This couldn't be more true. Kyle and I have always been goal setters. We had our goal, but we had convoluted ways of getting there. We were desperate and just wanted a way out, not necessarily the right way out. That's when things began to change, slowly but surely. We sat down together and asked what each of us wanted for the future, and we begun devising ways to get there. It wasn't until the last few weeks that we really pin pointed where we wanted to be. Kyle started excelling in his graduate studies, and I knew that that was the path he needed to continue on, no matter what. 

The Lord answered our prayers with this graduate assistant-ship, but it isn't the easier route. But I know that in order to be successful, the path will be difficult, but worth it. Even though I was at my lowest point I have ever been, my marriage couldn't be stronger, and that to me, is amazing. This refiners fire made us stronger. I feel like we can get though anything together. I truly married my soul mate. He is my best friend, and he was patient with me and loving throughout this whole ordeal, as I was patient with him and tried to be there for him while he was dealing with everything pertaining to his parents. 

I feel like we can conquer the world together. It's been almost 7 years. I feel like I'm well into my 30's with everything we've gone through together, especially the things the last year, which no average 24 year old (especially being a member of the LDS faith) has to deal with. I'm still working on my faith. I won't lie, it was bruised pretty heavily throughout this trial, but I still love the Lord with all my heart. I know He is still by my side. I just have a lot of building back up to do, but i'm going forward, slowly but surely. 

I don't know what the next year will bring, but I am going forward in faith that things will all work out. With hard work, comes earned reward.

Best Wishes,

~Katie B.