A 10 day social media diet, and a search for answers.

I can't believe it's already March of 2019. Where did the time go? Lucy will be one at the end of this month. When people say that they grow up fast, they really do. This year has flown by. She has taught me so much about myself. She's helped me discover new strengths that I never knew I had, and weaknesses that I know that I need to work on. Being a Mother is the best and most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But it's a divine calling that I know God has called me to do, and I take that with honor and take it all one day at a time. 

I wanted to share an experience I recently encountered. Back in October of 2018, the Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Russel M. Nelson, challenged the women of the church during the General Women's Conference to do four things:

1. Participate in a 10-day fast from social media and any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind.

2. Read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2018

3. Establish a pattern of regular temple attendance

4. Participate fully in Relief Society

I shamefully admit that I didn't engage in any of these challenges that President Nelson asked of us. It wasn't until February, while reading the February Ensign, where a summary from his talk came up that I revisited this challenge. 

This year has already thrown it's curve balls at us. I won't go into it, but it's been heavily weighing on my mind, and has put me in and out of pretty bad funks. I feel lost and clueless as for what's best for our growing family. With Oliver coming the beginning of April, things need to be figured out quick, and fast. I also feel like I needed some reorganizing in priorities in my life (other than being a Mother, which is always my first priority). I wanted to be more spiritually centered. I wanted that constant companionship of the Holy Ghost that I desperately need right now. So, I decided to do a "social media fast" for 10 days. 

Day 1 was hard. Really hard. You don't realize how much you get on and how bad the habits are unless you consciously try to abstain from it. Instead of checking Facebook when I had some down time, I would get on the LDS Gospel Library app. I also am trying to finish the Book of Mormon before the summer, as a part of President Nelsons challenge. I was able to focus on the things that I was struggling with, and trying to seek spiritual answers and promptings. 

I didn't go the full ten days. I made it to 8. (The Kelly Clarkson concert broke my social media "diet"). But I learned a lot in those 8 days.

I learned that social media is such a good thing when used appropriately. Kyle and I tag each other in news articles, posts, and so on. I love seeing what my friends are up to and the amazing things going on in their lives. 

I learned that I can get on way too much, and I can benefit from not having my phone on me, 24/7. 

I learned that I really enjoy reading the church Ensign, and I always feel a sense of peace when I read the articles that are written.

I learned that I need to post more about my faith. I don't do that enough. I need to use it as a tool to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ for those that are willing to hear it. 

I've gained a habit of reading my scriptures every day, something that I did not do before. I know I need to establish these habits now, so I can set a good example for my children when they are old enough.

I learned that I need to rely on God to help me with my struggles. That is something that I don't do enough. I feel as though I need to solve the problems that come my way, and not use Him for guidance. That is not the way to be. I need to go to Him with everything and submit my will to the Lord, for He knows what is best for my family.

I am still searching for the path forward in the next coming months, but I do know that changes are on the horizon. Becoming a Mom has changed the way I think. I know I'm going to make mistakes, that's inevitable. But I want to try and minimize those mistakes as much as possible, and include the Lord in all my decision making, both big and small, so I make the right choices for my children. They are greatly effected by any and all decisions Kyle and I make, so, like my Father always says, "measure twice, cut once". 

I'm going to continue to work on letting the Lord in and submitting myself to His will. It's a process. My goal is to be a little bit better than I was the day before. I will continue to re-prioritize my life, make the Spirit my constant companion, and search what His will is for our family in the next few months. 

I hope this post finds everyone well. 

Happy Sabbath. 

With Love, 

Katie B.

Leave People Be: A New Moms Perspective

Lately, it seems I have started the last several blog posts with "I know it's been a while...". Well, it really has been a while, since the end of last year. With school, being a new Mom, and everything else going on in my life, it's hard to keep up, but  here I am, nonetheless. 

I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind the last month or so. 

Mom judgement & judgement in general.

In just a few short months of being a new Mom, I have been criticized for some of the silliest things. Here's a few:

I don't take my baby outside often enough

My baby is outside too much (by the same people, mind you)

I'm a bigot with who I allow/don't allow to watch my child

I hold her too much

I don't hold her enough

I'd rather play video games than be a Mother

I'm being a religious Mormon zealot for not letting my daughter around cigarette smoke

The list goes on..

Initially, I let those things bug me. I mean, really bug me, to the point of tears. I just didn't understand why people would purposely go out of their way to think ill of something they really know nothing about. Kyle told me that not everyone thinks the best of others and tend to tear others down just to make themselves feel better. No matter how old I get, I will never understand that. 

I have many many flaws. I'd fill up several blog posts on how many flaws and imperfections that I have. But one of my strengths is compassion. I always try to see how the other person is feeling, no matter the situation, before I make an assumption. Always. Especially the older I have gotten and the more I lived life. I, in my naive mind, assumed most people do the same thing, but it turns out, they don't. 

Why must people judge others so harshly just because "that's not the way I do it"? I don't understand this. Why must others judge because they have a huge support system in their life, who want to be apart of their childrens lives? Just because they didn't have that, no one should? Why must others judge the way people parent, as long as the child is unharmed and thriving? Why can't we just live and let be? 

Most of the people in my life and who I know are this way. They are kind, compassionate, loving, and more than willing to share their own experiences. I'm grateful for all of you who are so understanding and sympathetic towards others, no matter the situation.

We all are guilty of judging someone. I know I definietly am. I would be lying to you if I said I never have done it. I try to catch myself when I do, and ask myself, "If I were them..." or the best gotcha, "What would Christ do?". 

Self reflection is important. In the last two years especially, I have understood why being prideful is truly a sin. It can cause so many downfalls. Like broken marriages, broken friendships/relationships, isolation, etc. When we are prideful, we miss out on oppurutunities to grow and serve others. I have seen that in people throughout my life, and I see the consequences unfolding, even though they do not. It causes me to check my own self, and become humble and meek. 

So, what's the point here? 

My point is, I don't understand why people just cant leave people be. It's ok to not agree. We are all different and have different ways of doing/handling things. That's a no brainer, but people lack understanding. Why is that? I'm not sure, to be honest with you. Maybe those people are consumed in their own hurt and feeling misunderstood so they do the same to others? I honestly don't know. 

As a new Mom, I'm learning as I go. I'm going to school, studying something that for me, is difficult yet worth obtaining, and I'm a wife trying to maintain a marriage. It's alot, but I asked for all of it. I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Try this with me, serve others where you see a need, even if it's just saying hello. Forgive someone who you haven't yet forgiven, or at least start on that path. Try to find middle ground with someone who you adamantly disagree with politically, or in general. Pray for someone who you don't want to pray for. By doing these things, it enhances our ability to understand and be sympathetic to others, which is what I think the world needs right now. I know I need to work on these things daily, that's for sure. 

Back to the beginning of my post. All of those things that I was accused of/attacked for? It doesn't really bother me that much anymore. It does from time to time, and I get very angry, I'll be honest. I have been afriad to post about going on a date night, or playing a video game while Lucy is asleep because of the crap I got. But then, I stop myself. I remind myself that I am giving a few people's opinions way too much power over my own, and that needs to stop. I remind myself of who I am, the things that I do, and the good that I try to do, and it fades away. The more experience I recieve as a Mom, eventually, I'm sure those judgements won't even phase me, but until that day, I'm working on it.

Love you all. 

~Katie B.

Farewell, 2017!

I always like to reflect on the year before I wish it farewell. 2017 had its fair share of ups and downs for Kyle and I, but I can't help but smile as I wave it goodbye and label it as one of the best years of my life. 

2017 has refined me. I feel like I've been put in the fire and molded into the woman God wanted me to be. This is the year I rediscovered how much God loves me and is aware of my struggles. 

The day I found out I was pregnant was a day I'll never forget. I was sitting in church, feeling sorry (and angry) for myself. I was mad at life and what it had dealt Kyle and I. All the things out of our control began to consume me. I was sitting in church, watching all the families play with their kids, and I felt like I didn't belong, like something was wrong with me. Most days I didn't let those kind of things bother me, because if I did, I wouldn't be able to live my life. Every once in a while, those days came and they bogged me down. August 13th was one of those days. I asked Kyle to take me home after sacrament meeting because I just didn't want to be there anymore. I cried to him in the car how hard it was for me to be there, and that I was done with trying and I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle trying and dealing with everything that we were dealing with at the time. I just wanted to wave the white flag.

I was also cramping insanely bad for the last week or so leading up to this, and I thought something might be wrong with me. I thought that there could be a SLIGHT possibility that I was pregnant, but didn't really let my mind go there. (That's a habit formed over 4 years). I told Kyle that it could be a possibility and I asked him to take me to buy a pregnancy test. When we got home, I immediately took the test. I was nervous because I had switched medicines the week before from my fertility medicine to a weight loss medicine that you are not supposed to be one if you're pregnant. I didn't know what was causing all the cramping. I looked at that test, and couldn't believe it was positive. I immediately started shaking and crying, staring in disbelief. Kyle felt the same. That was one of the best moments of my life. 

The first half of this year was incredibly challenging, but that moment wiped it all away, and I can't help but smile. I felt like God abandoned me the first half of this year. I don't remember feeling that low at any point in my life. But looking back on it now, I know God has never abandoned me. If anything, I abandoned Him. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, Kyle passed the Teachers Certification Exam, and after working feverisouly, is now certified and has a new job that can support our growing family. We have a wonderful home waiting for us in January, (Thanks to my Aunt Teresa), where we can build a home for our little Lucy to grow and thrive in. 

The biggest thing that I have learned is not to question the Lord's timing. I have a feeling I'm going to probably learn this lesson over and over again throughout my life, that's why I want to write this down, so I can go back and read through this, and remind myself that God loves me. God cares for me. God is aware of me, and He is aware of you, too. It may not feel like it, but I promise you He does. Why couldn't I get pregnant four years sooner? I don't know. Why didn't we want Kyle to go into teaching from the get go and build from there? I don't know. But I wouldn't take back our experiences along this journey for anything. That is why our marriage is so strong, our love for each other is unbreakable, and I'm so glad that Lucille is joining us, hopefully with many more to come. 

I don't know what 2018 has in store for me, but I know it'll have it's ups and downs, just like any other year, but I can't wait to see what's up ahead. Meeting Lucy will be one of the moments in my life that will be permanently etched in my memory, along with many more. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful year, with great things in store. 

Here's to 2018!

With love, 

Katie B. 

A New Chapter

I look at life like it's a book. A book that we write, bind and publish. At first it's just us as individuals, then at some point we add co-authors, some stay until the end of the book, some just for a few chapters, but it shapes the story. 

I feel like I'm finally starting a new chapter in my life story. The chapter of children. The chapter of moving forward into the next phase of my life, of mine and Kyle's life. I'm thrilled and scared all at the same time. 

The 4 years of trying with no success was incredibly difficult. I don't wish that trial on anyone, even my worst enemy. But unfortunately, it's a sad reality many women face each and every day. I will never forget how they feel and what they go through, because I know what it felt like.  But I will say, those chapters of infertility shaped who I am today. I had a hard time understanding, "Why me?". I see failed marriages that drag children in their crosshairs, unwanted children and pregnancies and so on. So, "Why Me?" or why so many other wonderful couples in the world that would make amazing parents? That I don't know. I can't speak for anyone else but myself. It changed me, at times it felt like for the worst, but now that I am in a position to look back on it, it changed me for the better. 

I will tell you, I have never experienced anything quite like seeing my child for the very first time (via sonogram). It was surreal. It was an out of body experience. I fought back tears as I was laying on the table, seeing what Kyle and I created. It was amazing, and you could say I was glowing the rest of the week after that appointment. I was on such a high, that I wanted to announce it to the world that day, and so we did. I couldn't contain myself anymore. It was a great day.

I'm looking forward to this new chapter in our life. But I don't regret the 7 years that Kyle and I have spent together, just the two of us. It allowed us to grow an unshakable bond that we will now take into parenthood. I'm excited to embark on that journey with him and see how we will be together as parents. It's a whole new territory for us. It will test us, push us to our limits, but also we will share a joy that cannot be replicated. We've already been through alot in our marriage, trials that don't come this early on in a marriage, and it has strengthened us. 

I can't thank God enough for this wonderful miracle in our lives. We are so excited. I look forward to penning this new chapter in my life story.

~Katie B. 

Striving to Improve

Hello all,

I hope you all had a wonderful Sabbath day. It was a nice day, (very rare being June in Texas) and I tried to live it to the fullest. I had several thoughts go through my mind during church today and I'd like to share them with you.

Sacrament meeting was filled with really great talks that made me stop and reflect upon my own faith and what I do daily to improve on my spirituality and imperfections. The first talk was about spiritual self reliance. That has been a trend this month, I feel like. They also talked about it during the April General Conference. What does that mean exactly? I'm still working on fully understanding the meaning of that. 

As mentioned in my previous posts, I had a very trying year (July 2016 - present), and I feel like I had hit my spiritual rock bottom, which was a first for me. Sure, I've had trials, just like everyone else, and we worked through them and learned and grew from our mistakes and moved on. Was I riding off of other's spirituality and testimonies? Was I piggy backing off my husbands faith? My former young women's leaders? I believe I partly was. Don't get me wrong, we're all human. We all stumble and fall when we are in the thick of certain trials that we have never faced. But I feel like I REALLY stumbled.

The woman that spoke today talked about our spiritual grip. Imagine yourself dangling from a rope, or some sort of suspended latter. What happens when we lose our grip? We fall to our death, or become seriously injured. The same goes for our spiritual strength and endurance. We must do all that we can to become as strong as we possibly can so that our grip is long lasting, and able to endure the most monumental of obstacles. We cannot let go. 

But, what happens when we do? Is that the end? Is there no more? No, I don't believe that's the end. That is what the atonement of Jesus Christ is for. Death is not the end. When we fall, we will not die, unless we want too. If we truly want to live (spiritually), we have another chance, as long as our heart can be changed. That's what gives me peace of mind, to be honest, is that I do believe I have a mold-able heart. Being apart of a religion my entire life that is not just involved on Sundays, but everyday, has allowed myself to feel regret when I screw up. And trust me, I screw up a lot. But that doesn't mean I'm damned to hell when I screw up. And for that, I have no words. Just immense gratitude. It gives me this sense of hope that I can be better, and that I WILL be better. 

Today I had this odd feeling come over me towards the end of the first hour ( The LDS church is 3 hours long, separated into 3 - 1 hour segments). I had this feeling come over me that I desperately needed to improve, and I loved feeling that way. I love knowing that there are things I need to work on. That's how the talks that were given today made me feel. It made me feel like there is hope to improve, and I've been given the tools to do so. So now, all I need to do is actually do it. I love how church does that to me. It checks me. It makes me feel remorseful for whatever wrong doings that I've done during the week. It gives me a standard to compare myself too. It sets the bar higher for myself. Sometimes, I tend to lower it throughout the week, when things get tough, or I neglect my duties. 

I don't do the small things. That's one of my biggest things I want to work on. I don't read my scriptures every day like I should. I don't say my prayers everyday like I know I need too. But I know I can improve. No matter how many times I fall, I will always get back up. It's not falling that defines me, it's how many times I get back up is what I want to known for. Some people will just talk about your falls, because they like seeing others down. But what you don't realize while you're down, is that those that enjoy your conflict are already on the ground with you, except they've been there for a lot longer than you have. 

We can't be mad at those people. Grudges can destroy your soul. It can destroy your spirit. I've seen it too many times in my life where people hold grudges over really stupid things. I have also seen people hold grudges that make sense. But it hurts us more than the person we're grudging against. I have to remind myself of that. Luckily, one of my few good qualities is that I am not grudge holding person. I forgive easily, sometimes to my detriment. 

Basically, to sum it all up, I need to improve and I look forward to it. I look forward at working to be better. Just like my physical journey of improvement, I need to chip away at it spiritually. 

Until next time,

With Love,

~Katie B. 

Authenticity, Faith, and my Summer Bucket List

I'm going to try to write once a week. I think it's good for me. It's good to get some of my thoughts out and for others to mock or to enjoy, whatever their preference may be.

This past week was quite the rollercoaster, for various reasons. I'm really hoping 25 is my best year yet. 24 wasn't quite what I wanted it to be, but I made it out in one piece, so I guess that's all I can really ask for.

Image is really important to me, and I don't mean an image where I pretend to be someone I'm not. I want to be who I know I should be. I want to be authentic. I want to represent myself in a way to where my life isn't perfect, (but not divulge too much) which is reality, but it's also a life that I enjoy and try to live to the fullest. I have a great marriage. A marriage that isn't perfect, in my opinion, is a great marriage. That means it's growing, developing, reaching new levels of opportunity and challenges. Without hardship, how will we become better? How will we grow? Our wedding song came on our spotify playlist last night, as we were relaxing in our room, enjoying the spectacular view of downtown Dallas. The lyrics really stood out to me. ( I haven't listened to it in a very long time).

The words in that song really have resonated with me. They have become more true than the day we danced as husband and wife for the first time. I stopped and reflected on that, and it made me feel like I've grown. I've been married for almost 7 years, and I just turned 25. I think it's a nice perk of getting married young. You have all these experiences, some good, and some ridiculously hard, and yet, you're still young and have a full life ahead of you. It's kind of a cool position to be in.

It took me 3 and a half years to talk about my struggles with infertility. It took the loving push of good friends who are experiencing similar things, to tell me that it's ok to talk about it. You feel as if something's wrong with you, or that you're somehow not good enough to be a parent, or whatever other false thought that likes to creep into your mind.  Some may think that it doesn't belong on social media, and that is true for some. I'll tell you, when I do write about it, the love and support I have gotten from all of you has really helped me carry on. Especially through the days that seem impossible to get through, you really have helped me see the sunrise another day, and I can't repay the kind words and thoughts. I really am eternally grateful. 

My faith has been a blessing and a curse for me regarding this trial. A blessing, because I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that the Lord wants to bless me with the ability to be a mother, and to make Kyle a father. A curse, because it's hard being married for 7 years in my faith (or culture, rather) and not have kids. It gets more and more difficult each passing year. He is teaching me patience. I've had to learn that this past year. I'm not sure if I've handled this last year's trials very well. I'm not proud of the levels of low that I've reached, but as long as I climb upward, is it really a failure? If I learn and become better, wasn't it meant to be? I don't believe in mistakes. I really don't. Mistakes our God's ways of molding us into the people He knows we can be. Mistakes are how we learn, they are how we become better people. They are how we become better parents, siblings, grandparents, and so on. I'm really hoping these sets of trials will end soon. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's that whole patience concept that's keeping me in check. I will do my best to stay in tune with the Spirit, and always let Christ in.

I've developed a bucket list for myself and Kyle this summer. Some of things on that list include the JFK museum in Dallas, the holocaust museum (in Dallas as well), visiting NOLA, St Louis, and so on. Now, I don't expect to complete it, but I will try! Another thing on that list is to read 10 books this summer. Now, I know I have a lot of English friends that are probably scoffing at how low of a number that is, but I'm a slow reader, so if I manage to get half that, I'm doing pretty good for myself. I also want to challenge my views. Part of the books I'm getting will be biographies. Some of those will be who I find fascinating, (mostly political, but could be anyone), and the others will be about people who I politically disagree with. I want to better understand different viewpoints so I can have better developed political opinions and better understanding of our nation's political climate. So I look forward to starting on my next biography. My first one is about Anderson Cooper, with his book called The Rainbow Comes and Goes, that he wrote with his mother. I've always found him so fascinating. (Don't ask why, because I couldn't tell you). Well, maybe it's because I think he's attractive. Weird, I know. 

I love you all. I hope everyone has a great start to their summer. Do something this summer that you've never done before. Hit up a museum that you've never been to, learn how to do something new. 

Until next time.

With love,

~Katie B.

The Refiners Fire

Hello all,

I know I always say this, but it truly has been a while. I haven't felt like there's been much to say without going into realm of despair and hopelessness. Sometimes it would consume me so much to the point where I didn't recognize myself. It scared me. 

It'll be a year next July. A whole year. A year of struggle. A year of boundaries being challenged and being pushed to the limit. A year of my faith being put through the refiners fire. And boy, did I get scorched. 

I found out a lot about myself through out this year. I have always had the belief that you can make anything happen as long as you put your mind to it, and put some boots on the ground and get moving. That belief was both proven and challenged all at the same time. We have had a lot of success that we made happen with pure sweat and grit. But we also hit walls that couldn't be overcome just with a belief that it can happen, and that was the hardest pill to swallow for me.

We prayed together, for months. Not knowing what to do and where to go. I felt abandoned by God. I have never felt that way before in my life. Throughout all my trials that I have gone through, I always knew that there was an end, a goal to obtain. And in some way or another, I always felt God's presence. I have never felt that I have been abandoned. For the first time in my life, I didn't know where the end was. All the goals we were trying to obtain felt like they came to a screeching halt. 

Trying to get pregnant seemed impossible. I was on a diet and exercise plan, that was being derailed due to the high level of unhappiness and stress that seemed all encompassing. That was another anchor that was dragging me down into a new level of despair. Another was the home in which we are dwelling. Not having the ability to control the environment was very hard on me. I like peace. I like a home filled with the spirit. I am used to a home that has a sense of calm and peace about it when you walk through the door. I didn't get that, and I couldn't if I tried. And trust me, I tried 

It dragged me down to a level I didn't care too much for. I didn't recognize myself for a while. I didn't like the woman I was allowing myself to become. This wasn't me. I was a happy person. I was full of joy, and optimism that seemed to be crushing and diminishing by the day. It wasn't until General Conference, and feeling as if  a lot of the talks were for me to hear, which I have never truly experienced before, when I was starting to pull myself out of it. 

One of the talks especially hit me really hard. It was Elder Ballard's talk, Return and Receive that allowed my husband and I reconnect on what we need to do to get back on the track we know we need to be on.

"Goal setting is essentially beginning with the end in mind. And planning is devising a way to get to that end. A key to happiness lies in understanding what destinations truly matter—and then spending our time, effort, and attention on the things that constitute a sure way to arrive there"

This couldn't be more true. Kyle and I have always been goal setters. We had our goal, but we had convoluted ways of getting there. We were desperate and just wanted a way out, not necessarily the right way out. That's when things began to change, slowly but surely. We sat down together and asked what each of us wanted for the future, and we begun devising ways to get there. It wasn't until the last few weeks that we really pin pointed where we wanted to be. Kyle started excelling in his graduate studies, and I knew that that was the path he needed to continue on, no matter what. 

The Lord answered our prayers with this graduate assistant-ship, but it isn't the easier route. But I know that in order to be successful, the path will be difficult, but worth it. Even though I was at my lowest point I have ever been, my marriage couldn't be stronger, and that to me, is amazing. This refiners fire made us stronger. I feel like we can get though anything together. I truly married my soul mate. He is my best friend, and he was patient with me and loving throughout this whole ordeal, as I was patient with him and tried to be there for him while he was dealing with everything pertaining to his parents. 

I feel like we can conquer the world together. It's been almost 7 years. I feel like I'm well into my 30's with everything we've gone through together, especially the things the last year, which no average 24 year old (especially being a member of the LDS faith) has to deal with. I'm still working on my faith. I won't lie, it was bruised pretty heavily throughout this trial, but I still love the Lord with all my heart. I know He is still by my side. I just have a lot of building back up to do, but i'm going forward, slowly but surely. 

I don't know what the next year will bring, but I am going forward in faith that things will all work out. With hard work, comes earned reward.

Best Wishes,

~Katie B.