My Struggles & Triumphs of 2019

At the beginning of every year, like most people, Kyle and I sit down and write individual and family goals for the year. I had high hopes for this year and wanted to push myself to a new limit. Well, as life tends to be, this year has been quite challenging. 

Here are some goals from my list:

• Write in my journal daily
• Write out a daily list of desired accomplishments
• Finish the Book of Mormon
• Read more (and also read more diversely)
• Enroll in Fall Semester ( I had taken a break after having Lucy)
• Lose baby weight and have a healthier lifestyle

I wanted to really focus on myself this year. I felt like my spirit had suffered from the unusal trails we had gone through, especially the last 2 and a half years at the time. I haven't read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover since I was in high school, and even then, I did it mostly out of obligations through seminary and Sunday school. I know I believed it to be true, but did I really? Did I have an immovable and unshakable foundation in The Book of Mormon? It was time to put my faith to the fire and make a commitment to myself and God that I would read my scriptures every single night. 

My faith had suffered immensely. I had a difficult time wanting to go to church, wanting to pray, and wanting to read my scriptures. I was angry at the hand that I was dealt. I felt like what I was dealing with is something no one in their twenties should have to deal with. I was angry at the people around me that I allowed to drag me down to their level. A level of hopelessness and bitterness. I was angry at a friend who Kyle and I tried to help, as he turned around and took advantage of that help instead of using it to help himself out of his situation. I didn't realize it at the time, but my spirit was waning, it was hurting and bleeding and desperately needed to be nourished. 

Right after I made this list, we found out that the house we were living in, we had to move. I was devastated. It hit me harder than I care to admit. I have always been a problem solver. I have always been known to trudge through and make it work, no matter what. I felt like I haven't been that person in a long time. I let the weight of the last 3 years of everything that has happened bury me. 

Kyle and I tried to figure out what to do for months, and nothing seemed right. We were being severly underpaid due to his current employer at the time not wanting to acknowledge his probationary certificate for teaching, and we were rubbing pennies togehther as a result. We decided that we could live with the paycut and work on his 5 year certificate in the mean time, and going into the next school year, get a pay raise as a result. A few months after we made that decision, we found out we would have to move. We were very limited in options financially, since we went with Advantage Academy back in August, and I was 7 months pregnant with Oliver. 

As that was going on, things were very stressful at work for Kyle, and also we were dealing with his parents and nursing homes, and Kyle's Dad getting kicked out what seemed like every few months due to a failure of not qualifying for Mediciad because of an apparent error in the application. Since Kyle is an only child, it was all on us. I won't go into the nitty gritty details, but I will summarize it as pure hell. 

Then comes the end of March, when my beautiful handsome Oliver was born. It was an exepreience that I am still working through. I go between being so grateful that both he and I are safe and healthy, from that fact that I almost died, and he almost died, to being told I can't have any more children. It was the most traumatic expereience I have ever gone through. I know I am immensly blessed, and I hold to that when I can. Other times, my mind drifts to that horrific night, and what happened and what cannot be undone. 

After I returned home from the hospital, I had about 3 and a half weeks to pack and up and find a place to go. It was a month earlier than we had anticipated. It was very difficult trying to heal from a very painful c-section, caring for a newborn and a 1 year old, and packing and STILL not really knowing what to do and where to go. In fact, I was put on 8 weeks rest instead of the usual 6 weeks due to continued bleeding. 

All while going through this, I'm reading my scriptures everynight (or darn near). I was bound and deteremined for me to at least accomplish this!

During General Conference Weekend ( twice a year, the LDS church holds a General Conference where members and anyone from around the world can listen on talks about the Savior and His Gospel teachings), Kyle had a prompting about what to do with our current situation. His Mother has always wanted to live in Missouri again where she is from, but never had the oppurutinity. With Gary being in a Nursing Home, and the nightmare that has been ongoing with all that, in a matter of two weeks, Kyle obtained POA for his Dad, found anpacked up for his Mom, drove the moving truck and (with the help of amazing church members we didn't even know!) moved his Mom to Missouri, got a new Medicaid application going, moved us into his childhood home for us to take over, and get His Dad approved for Medicaid so he has the best care he can recieve.

None of that would have been possible without the Lords help. 

I want to end this post on my own revelations and thoughts after finishing the Book of Mormon. 

I learned that the reason why I am feeling like I can't perservere is because I'm not letting the Savior into my heart to help me share those burdens. We can only take so much in this life. Life is very difficult, even when we try our best to make the best choices and avoid mistakes. It is so easy for life to get in the way of everything, such as our marriages and other realtionships, and especially our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. We can't allow those things to get inbetween these sacred relationships. 

I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel in doing so. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, I know that it testifies of our loving Savior Jesus Christ and the love we need to share with all those we come across. Even if you are not of my faith, but are a believer in Christ, you too can benefit from its pages. You can benefit from the love and devotion it teaches of the Savior and our loving and merciful Heavenly Father.

I have knocked several items off my list. I have read about 6 different books this year, I finished the Book of Mormon, I've been starting my exercising again, I write a daily list of what I want to get done each day, I write in my journal often, I enrolled in the fall semester and am doing well so far. 

This year has been tough for a lot of people I know and care for. My advice is to hold on to the love of our Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Through Him, anything and everything is possible. 

Love to all,

Katie B

A 10 day social media diet, and a search for answers.

I can't believe it's already March of 2019. Where did the time go? Lucy will be one at the end of this month. When people say that they grow up fast, they really do. This year has flown by. She has taught me so much about myself. She's helped me discover new strengths that I never knew I had, and weaknesses that I know that I need to work on. Being a Mother is the best and most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my life. It's also the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But it's a divine calling that I know God has called me to do, and I take that with honor and take it all one day at a time. 

I wanted to share an experience I recently encountered. Back in October of 2018, the Prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Russel M. Nelson, challenged the women of the church during the General Women's Conference to do four things:

1. Participate in a 10-day fast from social media and any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind.

2. Read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2018

3. Establish a pattern of regular temple attendance

4. Participate fully in Relief Society

I shamefully admit that I didn't engage in any of these challenges that President Nelson asked of us. It wasn't until February, while reading the February Ensign, where a summary from his talk came up that I revisited this challenge. 

This year has already thrown it's curve balls at us. I won't go into it, but it's been heavily weighing on my mind, and has put me in and out of pretty bad funks. I feel lost and clueless as for what's best for our growing family. With Oliver coming the beginning of April, things need to be figured out quick, and fast. I also feel like I needed some reorganizing in priorities in my life (other than being a Mother, which is always my first priority). I wanted to be more spiritually centered. I wanted that constant companionship of the Holy Ghost that I desperately need right now. So, I decided to do a "social media fast" for 10 days. 

Day 1 was hard. Really hard. You don't realize how much you get on and how bad the habits are unless you consciously try to abstain from it. Instead of checking Facebook when I had some down time, I would get on the LDS Gospel Library app. I also am trying to finish the Book of Mormon before the summer, as a part of President Nelsons challenge. I was able to focus on the things that I was struggling with, and trying to seek spiritual answers and promptings. 

I didn't go the full ten days. I made it to 8. (The Kelly Clarkson concert broke my social media "diet"). But I learned a lot in those 8 days.

I learned that social media is such a good thing when used appropriately. Kyle and I tag each other in news articles, posts, and so on. I love seeing what my friends are up to and the amazing things going on in their lives. 

I learned that I can get on way too much, and I can benefit from not having my phone on me, 24/7. 

I learned that I really enjoy reading the church Ensign, and I always feel a sense of peace when I read the articles that are written.

I learned that I need to post more about my faith. I don't do that enough. I need to use it as a tool to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ for those that are willing to hear it. 

I've gained a habit of reading my scriptures every day, something that I did not do before. I know I need to establish these habits now, so I can set a good example for my children when they are old enough.

I learned that I need to rely on God to help me with my struggles. That is something that I don't do enough. I feel as though I need to solve the problems that come my way, and not use Him for guidance. That is not the way to be. I need to go to Him with everything and submit my will to the Lord, for He knows what is best for my family.

I am still searching for the path forward in the next coming months, but I do know that changes are on the horizon. Becoming a Mom has changed the way I think. I know I'm going to make mistakes, that's inevitable. But I want to try and minimize those mistakes as much as possible, and include the Lord in all my decision making, both big and small, so I make the right choices for my children. They are greatly effected by any and all decisions Kyle and I make, so, like my Father always says, "measure twice, cut once". 

I'm going to continue to work on letting the Lord in and submitting myself to His will. It's a process. My goal is to be a little bit better than I was the day before. I will continue to re-prioritize my life, make the Spirit my constant companion, and search what His will is for our family in the next few months. 

I hope this post finds everyone well. 

Happy Sabbath. 

With Love, 

Katie B.