It's been quite the journey since Oliver came into this world, a little over three years ago! I'm sure a lot of y'all are wondering how this is even possible after that eventful delivery. I'd like to share my journey with you all on how this beautiful blessing came about.
After Oliver was born, I was told by the doctor that delivered him that I cannot have anymore children. It was a very difficult time in my life. I was devastated, confused, numb, angry, broken, and just about any other emotion you could possibly think of. Life was a chaotic rollercoaster at the time as well.
In my post-op appointment, I spoke with my OB (my actual doctor) and she told me that she disagreed. She felt like I COULD have more children, but I needed to wait at least two to three years, and we would revisit the topic. At the time, I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to have anymore. I was lucky to be alive and traumatized by the whole experience. I put it on the backburner and just tried to move on with my life.
Last spring, my husband and I were watching General Conference (an LDS [Latter-Day-Saint] bi-annual event where church leaders share messages of the Gospel of Jesus Christ) and we both, without saying it initially to the other, felt prompted to think about having another baby. This thought TERRIFIED me. I was anxious and resistant when I felt this prompting. Kyle told me that he would be fine either way, but ultimately left the decision up to me. I wrestled with this thought for the next 6 months, going back and forth of wanting a baby, of not wanting another one, ultimately gripped with fear of the same thing happening, except not being so lucky, and leaving my children behind without a mother.
At the same time, I had this feeling that another baby was waiting for me to make this decision, as crazy as it sounds. I felt like someone was telling me "Don't forget about me". It was a very strong feeling that I couldn't shake for the following 6 months, ever since I felt that prompting, but fear continued to overpower it.
Until one day, I received the advice I desperately needed to hear.
I decided to bring up this topic with my therapist at the time. She was surprised that I hadn't divulged this story to her yet. I told her everything, from start to finish, and how I was currently feeling conflicted and unsure. She then told me. "Whatever decision you make, make sure it's not made out of fear." That resonated with me in a way that's difficult to describe. It's what I needed to hear in that moment.
I continued to work through that fear for several months. Praying, talking about it and working through it instead of hiding from it. In October of last year, I felt this indescribable feeling that I was ready to take this next step and try for another baby. For the first time since Oliver was born, I no longer felt this crippling fear. I attacked it head on, and with the help of a wonderful therapist, doctors, and the Lord, this beautiful prompting we felt last year has came to fruition.
At the beginning of the year, I met with a few doctors, got professional opinions and consultations, and got the green light to try for baby #3. This will be an intense pregnancy, making sure that nothing like what happened with Oliver, happens again, but I have a great team of amazing doctors and nurses with me every step of the way.
When we started trying for children 8 years ago, I never would have imagined that this is what the journey would look like. Infertility struggles, to 2 under 2, to a near death experience, to a beautiful healing journey to baby #3. We're so excited to welcome this baby into our family. Thank you all for supporting me through this entire journey. I'm excited to see what life with 3 wonderful blessing will look like.
~Katie B.
