Striving to Improve

Hello all,

I hope you all had a wonderful Sabbath day. It was a nice day, (very rare being June in Texas) and I tried to live it to the fullest. I had several thoughts go through my mind during church today and I'd like to share them with you.

Sacrament meeting was filled with really great talks that made me stop and reflect upon my own faith and what I do daily to improve on my spirituality and imperfections. The first talk was about spiritual self reliance. That has been a trend this month, I feel like. They also talked about it during the April General Conference. What does that mean exactly? I'm still working on fully understanding the meaning of that. 

As mentioned in my previous posts, I had a very trying year (July 2016 - present), and I feel like I had hit my spiritual rock bottom, which was a first for me. Sure, I've had trials, just like everyone else, and we worked through them and learned and grew from our mistakes and moved on. Was I riding off of other's spirituality and testimonies? Was I piggy backing off my husbands faith? My former young women's leaders? I believe I partly was. Don't get me wrong, we're all human. We all stumble and fall when we are in the thick of certain trials that we have never faced. But I feel like I REALLY stumbled.

The woman that spoke today talked about our spiritual grip. Imagine yourself dangling from a rope, or some sort of suspended latter. What happens when we lose our grip? We fall to our death, or become seriously injured. The same goes for our spiritual strength and endurance. We must do all that we can to become as strong as we possibly can so that our grip is long lasting, and able to endure the most monumental of obstacles. We cannot let go. 

But, what happens when we do? Is that the end? Is there no more? No, I don't believe that's the end. That is what the atonement of Jesus Christ is for. Death is not the end. When we fall, we will not die, unless we want too. If we truly want to live (spiritually), we have another chance, as long as our heart can be changed. That's what gives me peace of mind, to be honest, is that I do believe I have a mold-able heart. Being apart of a religion my entire life that is not just involved on Sundays, but everyday, has allowed myself to feel regret when I screw up. And trust me, I screw up a lot. But that doesn't mean I'm damned to hell when I screw up. And for that, I have no words. Just immense gratitude. It gives me this sense of hope that I can be better, and that I WILL be better. 

Today I had this odd feeling come over me towards the end of the first hour ( The LDS church is 3 hours long, separated into 3 - 1 hour segments). I had this feeling come over me that I desperately needed to improve, and I loved feeling that way. I love knowing that there are things I need to work on. That's how the talks that were given today made me feel. It made me feel like there is hope to improve, and I've been given the tools to do so. So now, all I need to do is actually do it. I love how church does that to me. It checks me. It makes me feel remorseful for whatever wrong doings that I've done during the week. It gives me a standard to compare myself too. It sets the bar higher for myself. Sometimes, I tend to lower it throughout the week, when things get tough, or I neglect my duties. 

I don't do the small things. That's one of my biggest things I want to work on. I don't read my scriptures every day like I should. I don't say my prayers everyday like I know I need too. But I know I can improve. No matter how many times I fall, I will always get back up. It's not falling that defines me, it's how many times I get back up is what I want to known for. Some people will just talk about your falls, because they like seeing others down. But what you don't realize while you're down, is that those that enjoy your conflict are already on the ground with you, except they've been there for a lot longer than you have. 

We can't be mad at those people. Grudges can destroy your soul. It can destroy your spirit. I've seen it too many times in my life where people hold grudges over really stupid things. I have also seen people hold grudges that make sense. But it hurts us more than the person we're grudging against. I have to remind myself of that. Luckily, one of my few good qualities is that I am not grudge holding person. I forgive easily, sometimes to my detriment. 

Basically, to sum it all up, I need to improve and I look forward to it. I look forward at working to be better. Just like my physical journey of improvement, I need to chip away at it spiritually. 

Until next time,

With Love,

~Katie B. 

Authenticity, Faith, and my Summer Bucket List

I'm going to try to write once a week. I think it's good for me. It's good to get some of my thoughts out and for others to mock or to enjoy, whatever their preference may be.

This past week was quite the rollercoaster, for various reasons. I'm really hoping 25 is my best year yet. 24 wasn't quite what I wanted it to be, but I made it out in one piece, so I guess that's all I can really ask for.

Image is really important to me, and I don't mean an image where I pretend to be someone I'm not. I want to be who I know I should be. I want to be authentic. I want to represent myself in a way to where my life isn't perfect, (but not divulge too much) which is reality, but it's also a life that I enjoy and try to live to the fullest. I have a great marriage. A marriage that isn't perfect, in my opinion, is a great marriage. That means it's growing, developing, reaching new levels of opportunity and challenges. Without hardship, how will we become better? How will we grow? Our wedding song came on our spotify playlist last night, as we were relaxing in our room, enjoying the spectacular view of downtown Dallas. The lyrics really stood out to me. ( I haven't listened to it in a very long time).

The words in that song really have resonated with me. They have become more true than the day we danced as husband and wife for the first time. I stopped and reflected on that, and it made me feel like I've grown. I've been married for almost 7 years, and I just turned 25. I think it's a nice perk of getting married young. You have all these experiences, some good, and some ridiculously hard, and yet, you're still young and have a full life ahead of you. It's kind of a cool position to be in.

It took me 3 and a half years to talk about my struggles with infertility. It took the loving push of good friends who are experiencing similar things, to tell me that it's ok to talk about it. You feel as if something's wrong with you, or that you're somehow not good enough to be a parent, or whatever other false thought that likes to creep into your mind.  Some may think that it doesn't belong on social media, and that is true for some. I'll tell you, when I do write about it, the love and support I have gotten from all of you has really helped me carry on. Especially through the days that seem impossible to get through, you really have helped me see the sunrise another day, and I can't repay the kind words and thoughts. I really am eternally grateful. 

My faith has been a blessing and a curse for me regarding this trial. A blessing, because I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that the Lord wants to bless me with the ability to be a mother, and to make Kyle a father. A curse, because it's hard being married for 7 years in my faith (or culture, rather) and not have kids. It gets more and more difficult each passing year. He is teaching me patience. I've had to learn that this past year. I'm not sure if I've handled this last year's trials very well. I'm not proud of the levels of low that I've reached, but as long as I climb upward, is it really a failure? If I learn and become better, wasn't it meant to be? I don't believe in mistakes. I really don't. Mistakes our God's ways of molding us into the people He knows we can be. Mistakes are how we learn, they are how we become better people. They are how we become better parents, siblings, grandparents, and so on. I'm really hoping these sets of trials will end soon. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's that whole patience concept that's keeping me in check. I will do my best to stay in tune with the Spirit, and always let Christ in.

I've developed a bucket list for myself and Kyle this summer. Some of things on that list include the JFK museum in Dallas, the holocaust museum (in Dallas as well), visiting NOLA, St Louis, and so on. Now, I don't expect to complete it, but I will try! Another thing on that list is to read 10 books this summer. Now, I know I have a lot of English friends that are probably scoffing at how low of a number that is, but I'm a slow reader, so if I manage to get half that, I'm doing pretty good for myself. I also want to challenge my views. Part of the books I'm getting will be biographies. Some of those will be who I find fascinating, (mostly political, but could be anyone), and the others will be about people who I politically disagree with. I want to better understand different viewpoints so I can have better developed political opinions and better understanding of our nation's political climate. So I look forward to starting on my next biography. My first one is about Anderson Cooper, with his book called The Rainbow Comes and Goes, that he wrote with his mother. I've always found him so fascinating. (Don't ask why, because I couldn't tell you). Well, maybe it's because I think he's attractive. Weird, I know. 

I love you all. I hope everyone has a great start to their summer. Do something this summer that you've never done before. Hit up a museum that you've never been to, learn how to do something new. 

Until next time.

With love,

~Katie B.

The Refiners Fire

Hello all,

I know I always say this, but it truly has been a while. I haven't felt like there's been much to say without going into realm of despair and hopelessness. Sometimes it would consume me so much to the point where I didn't recognize myself. It scared me. 

It'll be a year next July. A whole year. A year of struggle. A year of boundaries being challenged and being pushed to the limit. A year of my faith being put through the refiners fire. And boy, did I get scorched. 

I found out a lot about myself through out this year. I have always had the belief that you can make anything happen as long as you put your mind to it, and put some boots on the ground and get moving. That belief was both proven and challenged all at the same time. We have had a lot of success that we made happen with pure sweat and grit. But we also hit walls that couldn't be overcome just with a belief that it can happen, and that was the hardest pill to swallow for me.

We prayed together, for months. Not knowing what to do and where to go. I felt abandoned by God. I have never felt that way before in my life. Throughout all my trials that I have gone through, I always knew that there was an end, a goal to obtain. And in some way or another, I always felt God's presence. I have never felt that I have been abandoned. For the first time in my life, I didn't know where the end was. All the goals we were trying to obtain felt like they came to a screeching halt. 

Trying to get pregnant seemed impossible. I was on a diet and exercise plan, that was being derailed due to the high level of unhappiness and stress that seemed all encompassing. That was another anchor that was dragging me down into a new level of despair. Another was the home in which we are dwelling. Not having the ability to control the environment was very hard on me. I like peace. I like a home filled with the spirit. I am used to a home that has a sense of calm and peace about it when you walk through the door. I didn't get that, and I couldn't if I tried. And trust me, I tried 

It dragged me down to a level I didn't care too much for. I didn't recognize myself for a while. I didn't like the woman I was allowing myself to become. This wasn't me. I was a happy person. I was full of joy, and optimism that seemed to be crushing and diminishing by the day. It wasn't until General Conference, and feeling as if  a lot of the talks were for me to hear, which I have never truly experienced before, when I was starting to pull myself out of it. 

One of the talks especially hit me really hard. It was Elder Ballard's talk, Return and Receive that allowed my husband and I reconnect on what we need to do to get back on the track we know we need to be on.

"Goal setting is essentially beginning with the end in mind. And planning is devising a way to get to that end. A key to happiness lies in understanding what destinations truly matter—and then spending our time, effort, and attention on the things that constitute a sure way to arrive there"

This couldn't be more true. Kyle and I have always been goal setters. We had our goal, but we had convoluted ways of getting there. We were desperate and just wanted a way out, not necessarily the right way out. That's when things began to change, slowly but surely. We sat down together and asked what each of us wanted for the future, and we begun devising ways to get there. It wasn't until the last few weeks that we really pin pointed where we wanted to be. Kyle started excelling in his graduate studies, and I knew that that was the path he needed to continue on, no matter what. 

The Lord answered our prayers with this graduate assistant-ship, but it isn't the easier route. But I know that in order to be successful, the path will be difficult, but worth it. Even though I was at my lowest point I have ever been, my marriage couldn't be stronger, and that to me, is amazing. This refiners fire made us stronger. I feel like we can get though anything together. I truly married my soul mate. He is my best friend, and he was patient with me and loving throughout this whole ordeal, as I was patient with him and tried to be there for him while he was dealing with everything pertaining to his parents. 

I feel like we can conquer the world together. It's been almost 7 years. I feel like I'm well into my 30's with everything we've gone through together, especially the things the last year, which no average 24 year old (especially being a member of the LDS faith) has to deal with. I'm still working on my faith. I won't lie, it was bruised pretty heavily throughout this trial, but I still love the Lord with all my heart. I know He is still by my side. I just have a lot of building back up to do, but i'm going forward, slowly but surely. 

I don't know what the next year will bring, but I am going forward in faith that things will all work out. With hard work, comes earned reward.

Best Wishes,

~Katie B.