At the beginning of every year, like most people, Kyle and I sit down and write individual and family goals for the year. I had high hopes for this year and wanted to push myself to a new limit. Well, as life tends to be, this year has been quite challenging.
Here are some goals from my list:
- Write in my journal daily
- Write out a daily list of desired accomplishments
- Finish the Book of Mormon
- Read more (and also read more diversely)
- Enroll in Fall Semester ( I had taken a break after having Lucy)
- Lose baby weight and have a healthier lifestyle
I wanted to really focus on myself this year. I felt like my spirit had suffered from the unusal trails we had gone through, especially the last 2 and a half years at the time. I haven't read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover since I was in high school, and even then, I did it mostly out of obligations through seminary and Sunday school. I know I believed it to be true, but did I really? Did I have an immovable and unshakable foundation in The Book of Mormon? It was time to put my faith to the fire and make a commitment to myself and God that I would read my scriptures every single night.
My faith had suffered immensely. I had a difficult time wanting to go to church, wanting to pray, and wanting to read my scriptures. I was angry at the hand that I was dealt. I felt like what I was dealing with is something no one in their twenties should have to deal with. I was angry at the people around me that I allowed to drag me down to their level. A level of hopelessness and bitterness. I was angry at a friend who Kyle and I tried to help, as he turned around and took advantage of that help instead of using it to help himself out of his situation. I didn't realize it at the time, but my spirit was waning, it was hurting and bleeding and desperately needed to be nourished.
Right after I made this list, we found out that the house we were living in, we had to move. I was devastated. It hit me harder than I care to admit. I have always been a problem solver. I have always been known to trudge through and make it work, no matter what. I felt like I haven't been that person in a long time. I let the weight of the last 3 years of everything that has happened bury me.
Kyle and I tried to figure out what to do for months, and nothing seemed right. We were being severly underpaid due to his current employer at the time not wanting to acknowledge his probationary certificate for teaching, and we were rubbing pennies togehther as a result. We decided that we could live with the paycut and work on his 5 year certificate in the mean time, and going into the next school year, get a pay raise as a result. A few months after we made that decision, we found out we would have to move. We were very limited in options financially, since we went with Advantage Academy back in August, and I was 7 months pregnant with Oliver.
As that was going on, things were very stressful at work for Kyle, and also we were dealing with his parents and nursing homes, and Kyle's Dad getting kicked out what seemed like every few months due to a failure of not qualifying for Mediciad because of an apparent error in the application. Since Kyle is an only child, it was all on us. I won't go into the nitty gritty details, but I will summarize it as pure hell.
Then comes the end of March, when my beautiful handsome Oliver was born. It was an exepreience that I am still working through. I go between being so grateful that both he and I are safe and healthy, from that fact that I almost died, and he almost died, to being told I can't have any more children. It was the most traumatic expereience I have ever gone through. I know I am immensly blessed, and I hold to that when I can. Other times, my mind drifts to that horrific night, and what happened and what cannot be undone.
After I returned home from the hospital, I had about 3 and a half weeks to pack and up and find a place to go. It was a month earlier than we had anticipated. It was very difficult trying to heal from a very painful c-section, caring for a newborn and a 1 year old, and packing and STILL not really knowing what to do and where to go. In fact, I was put on 8 weeks rest instead of the usual 6 weeks due to continued bleeding.
All while going through this, I'm reading my scriptures everynight (or darn near). I was bound and deteremined for me to at least accomplish this!
During General Conference Weekend ( twice a year, the LDS church holds a General Conference where members and anyone from around the world can listen on talks about the Savior and His Gospel teachings), Kyle had a prompting about what to do with our current situation. His Mother has always wanted to live in Missouri again where she is from, but never had the oppurutinity. With Gary being in a Nursing Home, and the nightmare that has been ongoing with all that, in a matter of two weeks, Kyle obtained POA for his Dad, found anpacked up for his Mom, drove the moving truck and (with the help of amazing church members we didn't even know!) moved his Mom to Missouri, got a new Medicaid application going, moved us into his childhood home for us to take over, and get His Dad approved for Medicaid so he has the best care he can recieve.
None of that would have been possible without the Lords help.
I want to end this post on my own revelations and thoughts after finishing the Book of Mormon.
I learned that the reason why I am feeling like I can't perservere is because I'm not letting the Savior into my heart to help me share those burdens. We can only take so much in this life. Life is very difficult, even when we try our best to make the best choices and avoid mistakes. It is so easy for life to get in the way of everything, such as our marriages and other realtionships, and especially our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. We can't allow those things to get inbetween these sacred relationships.
I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. I can't tell you how accomplished I feel in doing so. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, I know that it testifies of our loving Savior Jesus Christ and the love we need to share with all those we come across. Even if you are not of my faith, but are a believer in Christ, you too can benefit from its pages. You can benefit from the love and devotion it teaches of the Savior and our loving and merciful Heavenly Father.
I have knocked several items off my list. I have read about 6 different books this year, I finished the Book of Mormon, I've been starting my exercising again, I write a daily list of what I want to get done each day, I write in my journal often, I enrolled in the fall semester and am doing well so far.
This year has been tough for a lot of people I know and care for. My advice is to hold on to the love of our Brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. Through Him, anything and everything is possible.
Love to all,
Katie B
