Pride & Reflection

Hello everyone. It's mid-November already, can you believe it? Time just cannot stand still, no matter how much we want it to. I have a bitter sweet relationship with time. There are some moments where I do not want time to end and I could revel in it forever. Then, there are times that I can't beg it enough to speed up! 

I have done a lot of reflecting the last few days. I've had a great sense of peace come over me. It usually happens when I hit bottom, emotionally. We all have those days. We all have those moments when you just feel like no matter what, it's always going to be something. Well, last week was that everlasting moment for me. Being on this fertility medicine doesn't help matters either. We all have this wall that protects ourselves from feeling too much emotion. It supposed to filter things out so we're not overrun with things all at once.  Well, this medicine doesn't like that wall very much, and I feel everything x100!  So you can imagine how that's been going. 

Lately, I've been struggling with people that have too much pride for their own good. And through this experience, I've learned that it is a commandment for a reason. I mean, we all know the commandments are for good reasons, but it's another thing when you see it ruin peoples existence. I have many, many faults. I'd fill up this entire blog with just a few of them. But being prideful to the point of ruining relationships with loved ones and even with oneself is not one of them. Since I was little, I would always run to my Mom or Dad in tears saying I'm sorry for taking my sisters toy, or fighting with them, or whatever it may be. I can't stand to feel the spirit of contentment for long periods of time. I'm willing to apologize for things I didn't even do to avoid that. I just don't like what grudges do to people. Grudges are like  oil that dirties your pure light of Christ within each of us. It destroys the very best we can be.

A weakness that I do struggle with is being quick to anger or irritate. When I began to reflect on the many aspects of my life that I have been struggling with, I had this thought come over me. Everyone has something  that they struggle with day to day. I am not alone in the struggling aspect. We all are not alone. Dealing with someone who struggles greatly with their pride, I found myself becoming prideful by wanting them to KNOW what they did wrong and wanting to be righteous. I need to stop that. Pointing it out continuously is not going to magically make things better or prove that I was wronged. It dawned on me that I need to counter pride with compassion. I need to counter pride with mercy, something that pride cannot ever be capable of. 

I decided to do that today. And although my blood boiled internally trying to act upon the compassion and mercy, I know I'm doing the right thing by humbling myself before the Lord. I need to let the Lord take this in and allow Him to use me any way He can. I need to pray to the Lord that I can continue to show compassion to someone that I personally don't think really deserves it, but the Lord has different point of view. 

Forgiveness is a difficult thing. Especially when it is required continuously for the same predicament. That is when my pride starts to get in the way. And it did try very hard to get in the way as I was trying to fight it with compassion and forgiveness. It's so hard. We, as Disciples of Christ, have big shoes to fill. We have big jobs to do, on top of just living our lives and getting by. It's easy to only think about yourself and what benefits you throughout this entire journey. But that is what the big test is. The test is to see if you turn to Him throughout this life and aspire to follow Him. The test is not easy, and it seems that there is no end at times. But, when much is given, much is required. 

All of this is a work in progress. I thought I would put words to paper so I can remind myself of these thoughts and not forget them when times get difficult again. It's always something. It'll always be something, no matter what. That's just the way this life is. Everything is for a reason, every opportunity in life has a purpose. It all depends on how we make it into a purpose worth revisiting. But boy oh boy, is it hard.

God Bless,

~Katie B. 

Going Forward In Faith

Hello November, it's been too long. I love this time of year, especially when we lived in Utah. I loved seeing the beautiful fall colors. Walking outside and seeing natures beauty around me always put me in a good mood. Texas, especially Houston, has a very SLOW transition between late....late....summer to fall. It's still in the mid 80's here. It drives me nuts sometimes, but I'll take it. 

I really appreciate all the love and support regarding my last blog post. Right after I posted that, I went to the Doctor to continue on with my 'treatment plan'. Well, it's been a very rough week. I'm on a new medicine, and it comes with pregnant like symptoms, just without being pregnant. For 2/3's of the week, I have been struggling to keep my food down. It's been quite awful. I've been pretty sick since I've been on it. I'm hanging in there, I suppose. It would be a little easier if I knew that the sickness was being caused from a human being growing inside of me, but no such luck. 

This has been a huge trial in my life. I don't really know how else to put it. When I'm in the thick of it, (which is now), I have hard time pulling myself out. I don't like that. I don't like the way that feels. It makes me feel like some sort of victim. A victim of circumstance? A victim of trials? I'm not really sure, but a victim nonetheless. Today is one of those days (this whole week actually), when I'm laying on the couch, trying to keep my food down, it's easy to get sucked into that mentality. 

I'm trying to use the timing to my advantage. The start of a new month. I want to set goals to distract myself from feeling like a failure. I know I'm not, but it feels that way. 

Sometimes, life hits people all at once. I feel like there are a lot of things going on. I feel like the Lord continues to pile things onto me, and I'm wondering when I will get some reprieve. But, on the other hand, I do know my Heavenly Father loves me. I do know that He is there for me every single step of the way. He never leaves us, we are the ones that choose to leave His presence. 

I will continue to fight through the days that seem to have no end. I will continue to push through. I felt the Spirit when I made that last doctor's appointment, even though the medicine has been making me very sick this week. That is what I hold onto. I hold onto those feelings of surety to get through the hard times. I will push forward in faith.

I'm going to use November to give myself daily reminders of what the Lord has blessed me with in this life. I know we should do that everyday, but November is the month of Thanksgiving, and I want to honor it as such. I invite everyone else to do the same! 

Thank you all and God Bless!

~Katie B. 

Travelling, Fertility, and Relationships.

This year has been one that I will never forget, and it's not even over yet. I'm learning a lot about myself now that things are more settled down. We have traveled a lot this year, and it's been amazing. We visited San Diego, CA (which has become a favorite for both Kyle and I), Los Angeles, Destin, FL, Louisville, KY, Chicago, ILL, and Nauvoo, ILL. It's been an incredible experience. I have learned that I LOVE to travel. I love seeing new places, especially in this wonderful country that we live in. I love seeing and learning about different cultures. It's wonderful.

We also have had a few struggles this year as well. Kyle recently had his life changing oral surgery, which, to be honest, was one of the scariest things we have ever faced as a couple. When I left Kyle right  before the surgery took place, I had this overwhelming feeling of love for him. I would've given anything to trade places with him, so he didn't have to go through it. That is a love that I have never quite felt before. It is a love that can only be developed through time and devotion. I saw strength in him I have never seen, and quite frankly, it made me incredibly proud to be his wife. We never know how strong we are until we face our fears head on. That's what we did, and we are better and stronger as a couple than ever before. The kind of love we have for each other has transformed into something that couldn't be imagined when we said "I do".

I also decided to start going to the doctor in regards to fertility, which has been a whirlwind of emotions. We've been trying for almost 3 years now. It took a lot of courage for me to start going to the doctor. I can't tell you why. Maybe it's because it's admitting that there's something wrong with me. I dragged my feet for the longest time, just hoping and wishing that I wouldn't have to go, and that I would be pregnant. Well, it hasn't happened. It's emotionally painful. It's a trial. I don't wish it upon anyone. Some days are better than others. I haven't ever publicly talked about this before, so bear with me. Some days I don't think about it, some days I have faith and am calm, and some days I just break down. It's been a dream of mine to start a family with the love of my life. There's nothing I want more. It's safe to say Kyle feels the same. Kyle and I never intended to wait this long. We didn't want to have one right away, as I was just 18 when we got married. We always agreed that we would have one when Kyle graduated. Well, here we are, over a year later and still waiting.

Another trial I've had is re-evaluating a close relationship in my life. I've always been an easy to forgive kind of person. I consider that a good thing in most aspects. I tend to put myself in a position of allowing  emotional control over me. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I'm making changes. I'm making sure I do not allow myself to be in that position ever again. I'm doing it through prayer. I'm allowing my Lord and Savior to help mend wounds and learn how to have a forgiving heart and no regrets. It's hard. Especially when some are close to you in your life, and you don't want to cut them out. I don't want to hold a grudge. I've seen what it can do to people. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to have that light taken away from me. That's giving power to someone else, and that's not the way it should be. Relationships, especially those with family, have always been very important to me, and they will continue to be. But I am making changes through prayer to allow myself to be the best that I can be.

 2015 is a year I will never forget.

Katie B.

We Have To Make The Effort

Hello everyone!

It's been too long since I've written. I know I always say that, but it's true every time. I don't like writing something unless it'll be meaningful and help others in some sort of way. 

It's been almost a year since we've been in Houston, and in a week, it'll be a year since we left Utah. Where did the time go? We have had all sorts of adventures since embarking being in Houston!

I could go on for hours about all the adventures we have ventured, but I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind for a little while. It's about making the effort to make our lives everything we want them to be. 

With my husbands job come many blessings, and also their own trials. One of the main trials we face is that he works on Sundays, preventing him to go to church in our ward. That has been a struggle for us, because we know it is important to attend our church meetings, not only individually, but as a couple. We thrive when we feast on the words of the Gospel. It has definitely been a struggle. 

We started going to random wards that fit with his work schedule so that he could take the sacrament. Because we did this, I stopped going to my own ward. I hated the thought of going alone, and so I justified it by telling myself, "I went to church today, so I'm good." 

We met up with the bishop earlier this year to renew our temple recommends. We explained our situation. He turned to me and asked, "Why aren't you going to our ward if you are able?" I told him I didn't like going alone. He then proceeded to explain how I need to represent our family and that I would bring tremendous blessings to us by doing so. I agreed. I started to go alone. I still struggle with it, going without Kyle breaks my heart, but I know I am where I am supposed to be. 

I was reading the ensign, the April issue, and there is an article that talks about the 100th anniversary of the introduction of Family Home Evening. Here is a link to that article:        

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/04/100-years-of-family-home-evening?lang=eng

I then thought about having Family Home Evening. I know we could have them at home on his days off in the middle of the week, but I wanted it to be on Monday. I came up with the idea to visit him on his lunch hour, have dinner together, and share a spiritual message. Not only would it be a great start to the week, but a boost for both him to get him through his shift, and be able to be a light in his surroundings. 

It's been an amazing experience. We both look forward to Mondays now, a time we can focus on the Gospel and how we can make ours and other peoples lives better.

We all have to make the effort to do the small things in this life. It is through the small things that make the big things that much more enjoyable, and the hardships endurable. How we react to circumstances in our lives are a choice. We have the choice to let it effect us negatively, or we can choose our Savior. We can put our burdens on Him, and be able to carry on. We have to make the effort. We must make the effort. People depend on us to be a beacon, a source of light in their darkness. God has a plan for His children to bring everyone home to Him. We must make the effort. We must act, in everything we do. We must unite as Christians, put aside our differences and rejoice in our similarities and be a beacon in the dark. 

Start small. Bring yourself up through Christ, so you can buoy others up with you. That is what this life is all about. Service. Charity is the pure love of Christ. Religion is not just on Sundays. It is a way of life. It is every single day. It is an action. It is an effort. We must make the effort. When we fail, which we will, we have the Atonement. Repent, and try again. He is waiting for us. 

With Love,

Katie B. 

People Come And Go

Hello all, I hope you had a fun and safe New Years! I have had a few thoughts on my mind lately, and I wanted to share. 

My first thought I want to discuss, is why people come into our lives. This New Years, I really reflected on the past four years of my marriage. My anniversary is January 8th, so the two go hand in hand. I thought to myself what I wanted to work on. I wanted to make amends with anyone I may have offended, or cut out of my life, or vice versa. I began to think and wonder about who those people may be.  

I thought. 

And I thought.

Then it came to me. I'm really not the kind of person to cut people out of my life. I'm not a vindictive person. I don't usually hold grudges. I have had a few people in my life, that have cut ME out. It tears me apart. I hate it. There are friendships going back to my high school years, that I tried to make amends but they didn't reciprocate. That is always difficult for me. It is always a hard lesson to learn. There are a few more friendships that had the same result after high school, and into college. I begin to criticize myself. Telling myself I should have done this or that. It eats at me. But then something happens. The Holy Ghost weighs in on the situation.

I then remember that God has a path for me. He has trials He wants me to go through and experience. He puts people in our lives for a reason. The timing is unknown. They could be in our lives anywhere between 5 minutes, or the rest of our mortal existence. We don't know. But I do know this. I value all the relationships that I have. I don't let go easily. Each person in my life has at least a page in my story. People and the experiences they bring with them molds us and helps us become who we are today. 

I am sad that certain people are no longer in my life, for one reason or another. But with that being said, I welcome anyone into my life that can help me become more Christ like. I have many things I struggle with, but forgiveness and holding grudges are thankfully something I have been able to do easily. Almost too easily sometimes. 

I want to thank you for being in my life. One encounter or many, I am thankful for it. I love getting to know people. I love hearing your stories, your experiences. I don't usually delete people (via facebook) because I do truly enjoy reading posts and seeing how everyone is doing. It's like constantly reading books, except we are getting new chapters as soon as they come. It's great. 

I've learned, thanks to prayers and the Holy Ghost, that I am not going to worry about who isn't in my life and why they aren't. I am going to say thank you for being apart of it, and move on. I look forward to seeing who else is going to add to my experiences. 

God Bless.

Katie B

Goodbye 2014

Hello everyone!

It has been way too long since I've posted anything. I've wanted to several times, but once I started typing, I felt that I had nothing to say. I don't want to just spout out words and hope someone will come across them. I want my post to have thoughtful, heartfelt meaning. I hope that my thoughts or experiences will help one person that may be going through the same thing. That is how I measure success. 

2015. I can't even believe it's here already. I know this is a cliche, but where did all the time go? 2014 was an interesting year. I remember this time last year, I was sitting down with Kyle, talking about how this year was the year for everything to come to fruition! Kyle was set to graduate, I had just obtained my Associates Degree, everything was at our finger tips.

Within that same month, I received a horrible phone call. It was January 29th, a cloudy, dreary day. It was my husbands birthday, and I was planning a small surprise party with our close friends. I was at the store, gathering balloons, streamers, soda, and so on. My sister Sarah called me saying, "Bumpa collapsed, that's all I know. He's on his way to the hospital." I was worried, but death didn't cross my mind. I stood there in the store, staring at space for at least a few minutes. It wasn't until someone asked me if I was alright, until I realized what I was doing. I continued on with my shopping. I got home, and my older sister Ali called me. Crying she asked, "Are you ok? I can't believe he's gone." Confused, I told her he wasn't gone, and that he just collapsed. "That doesn't mean he's dead, calm down." I said, a little frustrated by the confusion I was having. "He's not dead? Dad told me he had died! Let me call you back!" She hung up. Kyle and I were getting ready for school, and I informed him what was going on. "He's in the hospital, I'm sure he'll be fine" I said. My phone rang again. This time, it was my Dad. He broke the news. 

After all the phone tagging between my cousins, sisters, and parents, Kyle and I just sat in silence. Silent tears were shed.  Bumpa was a man I deeply loved. His loss is still with me, and will be until I see him again. He was one of my best friends. I miss my Grandfather deeply. 

With this tragic loss, we trudged through the semester. It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. I was taking tough classes, as was Kyle. We had to return to Fort Worth (after the funeral) for even more family emergencies. It was fitting, almost poetic, that all these trials happened within the last semester we were to spend in Utah.

When Kyle's graduation day came, it was a long day coming. He was so sick, he had to be taken to the hospital. I don't know how he got through commencement, the ceremonies, our party that we threw, it was insane. Moving was awful. He was still very sick, I had a ton of things to do and move, and it was all on my shoulders. I'm very grateful for my sisters that stuck around and helped me move. I literally could not have done it without them.

The light begun to shine. Within a month of being back in Texas, Kyle landed a job. Not a career job, but a job with great benefits and one that can pay the bills. We are very blessed. We have a beautiful 3 bedroom house, and Kyle will start his MPA this year! I am continuing my education with BYU online in Web and Graphic Design. 

I don't know what this year has in store. To tell you the truth, I'm a little nervous what it does have in store for me. But I will do my best to be ready for it all. I always tell myself, 'Everything happens for a reason'. That gives me peace and comfort when I'm worried about choices I have made, or what the future holds. I know the Lord has great things in store for Kyle and I. As long as we allow him to guide the ship, we will never be lost. That is extremely comforting to me. Knowing that I will never be lost. I have a compass in my pocket that will always protect me. I just have to remember that it is there when I do feel lost. 

I hope you all have a great year this year. Even with losses, with pain, and sorrow, joy always follows. 

God bless & Happy New Years!

Katie B