Hello everyone. It's mid-November already, can you believe it? Time just cannot stand still, no matter how much we want it to. I have a bitter sweet relationship with time. There are some moments where I do not want time to end and I could revel in it forever. Then, there are times that I can't beg it enough to speed up!
I have done a lot of reflecting the last few days. I've had a great sense of peace come over me. It usually happens when I hit bottom, emotionally. We all have those days. We all have those moments when you just feel like no matter what, it's always going to be something. Well, last week was that everlasting moment for me. Being on this fertility medicine doesn't help matters either. We all have this wall that protects ourselves from feeling too much emotion. It supposed to filter things out so we're not overrun with things all at once. Well, this medicine doesn't like that wall very much, and I feel everything x100! So you can imagine how that's been going.
Lately, I've been struggling with people that have too much pride for their own good. And through this experience, I've learned that it is a commandment for a reason. I mean, we all know the commandments are for good reasons, but it's another thing when you see it ruin peoples existence. I have many, many faults. I'd fill up this entire blog with just a few of them. But being prideful to the point of ruining relationships with loved ones and even with oneself is not one of them. Since I was little, I would always run to my Mom or Dad in tears saying I'm sorry for taking my sisters toy, or fighting with them, or whatever it may be. I can't stand to feel the spirit of contentment for long periods of time. I'm willing to apologize for things I didn't even do to avoid that. I just don't like what grudges do to people. Grudges are like oil that dirties your pure light of Christ within each of us. It destroys the very best we can be.
A weakness that I do struggle with is being quick to anger or irritate. When I began to reflect on the many aspects of my life that I have been struggling with, I had this thought come over me. Everyone has something that they struggle with day to day. I am not alone in the struggling aspect. We all are not alone. Dealing with someone who struggles greatly with their pride, I found myself becoming prideful by wanting them to KNOW what they did wrong and wanting to be righteous. I need to stop that. Pointing it out continuously is not going to magically make things better or prove that I was wronged. It dawned on me that I need to counter pride with compassion. I need to counter pride with mercy, something that pride cannot ever be capable of.
I decided to do that today. And although my blood boiled internally trying to act upon the compassion and mercy, I know I'm doing the right thing by humbling myself before the Lord. I need to let the Lord take this in and allow Him to use me any way He can. I need to pray to the Lord that I can continue to show compassion to someone that I personally don't think really deserves it, but the Lord has different point of view.
Forgiveness is a difficult thing. Especially when it is required continuously for the same predicament. That is when my pride starts to get in the way. And it did try very hard to get in the way as I was trying to fight it with compassion and forgiveness. It's so hard. We, as Disciples of Christ, have big shoes to fill. We have big jobs to do, on top of just living our lives and getting by. It's easy to only think about yourself and what benefits you throughout this entire journey. But that is what the big test is. The test is to see if you turn to Him throughout this life and aspire to follow Him. The test is not easy, and it seems that there is no end at times. But, when much is given, much is required.
All of this is a work in progress. I thought I would put words to paper so I can remind myself of these thoughts and not forget them when times get difficult again. It's always something. It'll always be something, no matter what. That's just the way this life is. Everything is for a reason, every opportunity in life has a purpose. It all depends on how we make it into a purpose worth revisiting. But boy oh boy, is it hard.
God Bless,
~Katie B.
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