I'm going to try to write once a week. I think it's good for me. It's good to get some of my thoughts out and for others to mock or to enjoy, whatever their preference may be.
This past week was quite the rollercoaster, for various reasons. I'm really hoping 25 is my best year yet. 24 wasn't quite what I wanted it to be, but I made it out in one piece, so I guess that's all I can really ask for.
Image is really important to me, and I don't mean an image where I pretend to be someone I'm not. I want to be who I know I should be. I want to be authentic. I want to represent myself in a way to where my life isn't perfect, (but not divulge too much) which is reality, but it's also a life that I enjoy and try to live to the fullest. I have a great marriage. A marriage that isn't perfect, in my opinion, is a great marriage. That means it's growing, developing, reaching new levels of opportunity and challenges. Without hardship, how will we become better? How will we grow? Our wedding song came on our spotify playlist last night, as we were relaxing in our room, enjoying the spectacular view of downtown Dallas. The lyrics really stood out to me. ( I haven't listened to it in a very long time).
The words in that song really have resonated with me. They have become more true than the day we danced as husband and wife for the first time. I stopped and reflected on that, and it made me feel like I've grown. I've been married for almost 7 years, and I just turned 25. I think it's a nice perk of getting married young. You have all these experiences, some good, and some ridiculously hard, and yet, you're still young and have a full life ahead of you. It's kind of a cool position to be in.
It took me 3 and a half years to talk about my struggles with infertility. It took the loving push of good friends who are experiencing similar things, to tell me that it's ok to talk about it. You feel as if something's wrong with you, or that you're somehow not good enough to be a parent, or whatever other false thought that likes to creep into your mind. Some may think that it doesn't belong on social media, and that is true for some. I'll tell you, when I do write about it, the love and support I have gotten from all of you has really helped me carry on. Especially through the days that seem impossible to get through, you really have helped me see the sunrise another day, and I can't repay the kind words and thoughts. I really am eternally grateful.
My faith has been a blessing and a curse for me regarding this trial. A blessing, because I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that the Lord wants to bless me with the ability to be a mother, and to make Kyle a father. A curse, because it's hard being married for 7 years in my faith (or culture, rather) and not have kids. It gets more and more difficult each passing year. He is teaching me patience. I've had to learn that this past year. I'm not sure if I've handled this last year's trials very well. I'm not proud of the levels of low that I've reached, but as long as I climb upward, is it really a failure? If I learn and become better, wasn't it meant to be? I don't believe in mistakes. I really don't. Mistakes our God's ways of molding us into the people He knows we can be. Mistakes are how we learn, they are how we become better people. They are how we become better parents, siblings, grandparents, and so on. I'm really hoping these sets of trials will end soon. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's that whole patience concept that's keeping me in check. I will do my best to stay in tune with the Spirit, and always let Christ in.
I've developed a bucket list for myself and Kyle this summer. Some of things on that list include the JFK museum in Dallas, the holocaust museum (in Dallas as well), visiting NOLA, St Louis, and so on. Now, I don't expect to complete it, but I will try! Another thing on that list is to read 10 books this summer. Now, I know I have a lot of English friends that are probably scoffing at how low of a number that is, but I'm a slow reader, so if I manage to get half that, I'm doing pretty good for myself. I also want to challenge my views. Part of the books I'm getting will be biographies. Some of those will be who I find fascinating, (mostly political, but could be anyone), and the others will be about people who I politically disagree with. I want to better understand different viewpoints so I can have better developed political opinions and better understanding of our nation's political climate. So I look forward to starting on my next biography. My first one is about Anderson Cooper, with his book called The Rainbow Comes and Goes, that he wrote with his mother. I've always found him so fascinating. (Don't ask why, because I couldn't tell you). Well, maybe it's because I think he's attractive. Weird, I know.
 |
I love you all. I hope everyone has a great start to their summer. Do something this summer that you've never done before. Hit up a museum that you've never been to, learn how to do something new.
Until next time.
With love,
~Katie B.
No comments:
Post a Comment