I always like to reflect on the year before I wish it farewell. 2017 had its fair share of ups and downs for Kyle and I, but I can't help but smile as I wave it goodbye and label it as one of the best years of my life.
2017 has refined me. I feel like I've been put in the fire and molded into the woman God wanted me to be. This is the year I rediscovered how much God loves me and is aware of my struggles.
The day I found out I was pregnant was a day I'll never forget. I was sitting in church, feeling sorry (and angry) for myself. I was mad at life and what it had dealt Kyle and I. All the things out of our control began to consume me. I was sitting in church, watching all the families play with their kids, and I felt like I didn't belong, like something was wrong with me. Most days I didn't let those kind of things bother me, because if I did, I wouldn't be able to live my life. Every once in a while, those days came and they bogged me down. August 13th was one of those days. I asked Kyle to take me home after sacrament meeting because I just didn't want to be there anymore. I cried to him in the car how hard it was for me to be there, and that I was done with trying and I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle trying and dealing with everything that we were dealing with at the time. I just wanted to wave the white flag.
I was also cramping insanely bad for the last week or so leading up to this, and I thought something might be wrong with me. I thought that there could be a SLIGHT possibility that I was pregnant, but didn't really let my mind go there. (That's a habit formed over 4 years). I told Kyle that it could be a possibility and I asked him to take me to buy a pregnancy test. When we got home, I immediately took the test. I was nervous because I had switched medicines the week before from my fertility medicine to a weight loss medicine that you are not supposed to be one if you're pregnant. I didn't know what was causing all the cramping. I looked at that test, and couldn't believe it was positive. I immediately started shaking and crying, staring in disbelief. Kyle felt the same. That was one of the best moments of my life.
The first half of this year was incredibly challenging, but that moment wiped it all away, and I can't help but smile. I felt like God abandoned me the first half of this year. I don't remember feeling that low at any point in my life. But looking back on it now, I know God has never abandoned me. If anything, I abandoned Him. Shortly after finding out we were pregnant, Kyle passed the Teachers Certification Exam, and after working feverisouly, is now certified and has a new job that can support our growing family. We have a wonderful home waiting for us in January, (Thanks to my Aunt Teresa), where we can build a home for our little Lucy to grow and thrive in.
The biggest thing that I have learned is not to question the Lord's timing. I have a feeling I'm going to probably learn this lesson over and over again throughout my life, that's why I want to write this down, so I can go back and read through this, and remind myself that God loves me. God cares for me. God is aware of me, and He is aware of you, too. It may not feel like it, but I promise you He does. Why couldn't I get pregnant four years sooner? I don't know. Why didn't we want Kyle to go into teaching from the get go and build from there? I don't know. But I wouldn't take back our experiences along this journey for anything. That is why our marriage is so strong, our love for each other is unbreakable, and I'm so glad that Lucille is joining us, hopefully with many more to come.
I don't know what 2018 has in store for me, but I know it'll have it's ups and downs, just like any other year, but I can't wait to see what's up ahead. Meeting Lucy will be one of the moments in my life that will be permanently etched in my memory, along with many more.
I hope everyone has a wonderful year, with great things in store.
Here's to 2018!
With love,
Katie B.
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